If anyone wants to know what a place called “Wit’s End” looks like, just ask me. I’m there right now.
It’s amazing how you can go from one day feeling like you could conquer the world in motherhood to the next wishing you could just go curl up in a corner and give up.
I guess the fact that life won’t seem to slow down doesn’t help. And because of that, there’s no time to turn “off.” Lately it seems that life is stuck indefinitely in the “on” position. There’s always something that needs doing, and sleep is hard to come by. And in my case, the result is a frustrated and impatient mother.
From sitting on the piano bench helping kids plunk out the new pieces they’ve been assigned, to following up with a doctor who didn’t send the the blood work lab sheet for Lucy they promised, to changing the sheets on Elle’s bed for a visitor, to changing Claire’s sheets because she wet the bed…again, to cajoling kids to clean up after themselves and trying to positively reinforce how great it is to have a clean house, to dropping everything I’m trying to juggle every time one of Lucy’s therapists comes over, to comforting a crying child (inevitably one who doesn’t really deserve comforting because it’s the tenth time she’s burst into tears that hour, and in reality there’s really not anything wrong. That smart child has just realized how to negatively get positive attention, and they’ve got you wrapped around their finger!), to figuring out how to use a new laptop (which I LOVE by the way, but it takes time to figure it all out), to preparing to teach a parenting class, to editing a photo shoot, to figuring out the best way to deal with naughty behavior from a particular child, or trying to build up another child you’re worried has low self esteem these days…it seems like I have to be “on” every time I turn around to take a breather.
The list goes on and on and on. Most of it consists of good, fulfilling things. When they come at me a few at a time I can take them on, no problem. I can handle it. That’s what moms do, right? But the past couple weeks they’ve been poured on by the bucketful and I just can’t keep up. I know, moms do the “bucketfuls” too. But right now I don’t feel like I’m one of the tough moms. I’m the wimpy one who can’t handle it. I’m sitting here in my laundry room/office/project room with stacks of mail and unfinished “ideas” crowding in on me, and it makes me just want to cry because I’m thinking how will I ever catch up? Tomorrow’s Father’s Day (and Dave deserves a great one) which means I need to be “on” again. And all I really want to do is lay in bed all day and beg Dave to give me one of his amazing back rubs.
Then there’s Grace’s birthday (party year this year you know…gotta get going on that) and our anniversary next week, a trip to the mountains this weekend, another photoshoot on Wednesday, an outline for a project I’m doing with my mom I need to work on, drawers jam-packed with junk to be organized, scheduling for doctors and Max’s braces appointments… ok, I’ll quit, you get the idea, right? It just doesn’t stop.
But you know what? Tomorrow’s going to be better. I just know it. Because it always is. Max will say something to make me laugh, Claire will give me a hug and tell me she loves me out of the blue. Dave will wink at me from across the room. And suddenly all the “on” time will seem worth it.
But not tonight. Tonight I’m turning off and going to bed!