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my boy

by Shawni

Every now and again I start thinking about one of my kids and I just start crying.

Is that weird? Is anyone with me on that?

I know, I’m a mom and I’m biased, and I cry at random things sometimes.

But there’s this feeling with my children that is so heavy with love and gratitude that I get so overwhelmed I can’t help but get all teary.

I’ve spent a few posts glorying in the beauty of girls. My girls who, snippy as they might have been (and still are from time to time!) have become the best sisters and friends.

But what about that one boy?

The one who first made me a mom all those years ago?

Yes, the one who is so humble and takes after his dad, not a spotlight type of a guy.

But he’ll have to grin and bear this post (and another one in a couple weeks since his birthday is coming up), because I’ve got that spill-over teary gushy gratitude for him and I just HAVE to share it. (I promise to keep it short, Maxwell:)

I’m so grateful that he’s put up with all those little sisters for so many years.

That he’s put up with being our first. Our “guinea pig” for parenting.

That he’s put up with me trying to learn this mothering gig.

And he loves me anyway.

I came across this picture that makes me even more teary:

Just the two of us kneeling in his bedroom one night, after (or before?) praying together.

I cannot remember what we were specifically praying for, or why we took a picture.

It’s interesting how the years fade out all those details.

But I remember the feeling in that room that night. (Maybe the picture was to help me remember that??)

The connection.

The love.

The love of who he was, and who he was becoming.

I get teary looking at that picture because I’m so glad I was there. We were there. That I held him close while I could.

Oh, it is tough to let kids go.

It is achy. It is like having your heart ripped out of your chest sometimes. (And I know that sounds dramatic but just wait until it happens to you and you’ll be with me on that.)

You send them off into the wide blue yonder to figure out all the waves that come their way.

And you have to let them go.

But then, you know what? They come back.

A little here and a little there.

They bring more awesome people into your family to love:

And even though you miss the “little them,” the bigger versions of them are pretty incredible, and it’s all a pretty grand adventure. (Elle, that “adventure” word is for you 🙂

Anyway, sorry Max, trying to be short and sweet, but I’m just here to say I sure love you.

Forever and ever. (And you too, Abigail Jane!)

Love, Mom

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8 comments

Melynde May 17, 2021 - 9:03 am

I’m having a hard enough time letting my kids go to kindergarten and preschool, let alone sending them into the big world like you’ve done. You’re a strong mother. Your posts help me to stay in the moment and love these times with them young since before long they leave into the world.

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Shawni May 28, 2021 - 4:40 pm

I’m glad if it helps you prepare. Oh life just shifts and changes so much. But it’s a beautiful life, just keep remembering that!
xoxo

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Lauren Rose May 17, 2021 - 9:15 pm

Haha well reading that totally made me teary! I was sad when my oldest (also a Max) went to preschool a few years ago. I’m going to be a mess in 12 years when he goes to college or mission! Thank you for your beautiful posts!

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Shawni May 28, 2021 - 4:43 pm

Oh hold that Max of yours close! And yes, 12 years will go in a blink, but they are still the most beautiful years that you can fill well and with plenty of goodness. I am so glad that as I look back on my life as a mother, I don’t have any regrets on being there “too much.” (although my kids maybe do! Ha!!) I cherish all those memories of togetherness and feel like they are worth more than all the gold in the world.

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Madeleine May 18, 2021 - 9:36 am

I just cried dropping my baby off at daycare for the first time! …. and he is only staying for 3 hours!! (Hahaha even I can recognize how that sounds hahah)

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Shawni May 28, 2021 - 4:44 pm

Oh that love is real and beautiful and tangible and I’m so glad that baby of yours has it, and can most definitely feel it.
xoxo

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Erika Raelyn Covarrubias May 19, 2021 - 2:59 am

I know it doesn’t compare but I cry every time I move my baby boy up a size in clothes. It really does go too fast! And I’m here just staying home because of the pandemic so at least I get to soak it up and not miss a thing but still it feels like he was just 6lbs13oz and in newborn size things and now he’s smiling and 3 and a half months already going into size 3-6/6m and I can’t handle it. You’re strong as hell. I was going to be graduating with my AA right about now and I’m going back in the fall to finish up and I’m freaking out inside about being away from him and missing little things and HOW am I going to do it?

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Shawni May 28, 2021 - 4:45 pm

You can do it! Just fill up on all that love and you will both be ok! Sending you love and encouragement!

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