A Super Simple Idea for Fixing Miscommunication

Leading up to Valentine’s Day let’s talk about a secret my wise sister taught me last weekend. It’s a super simple idea for fixing miscommunication, and I want to write about it so I’ll remember it.

I love Valentine’s Day as a day set aside to help us practice love.

And what better way to practice love than thinking about how to fix inevitable miscommunication that comes along!

It’s human nature for miscommunication to happen. It’s just a given that our words and facial expressions get misinterpreted from time to time because others can’t see into our minds. And hearts. Miscommunication happens I think now more than ever because it’s even easier to miscommunicate online. Friendships and even whole families are broken up sometimes by something as little as miscommunication.

So I love this little phrase to help fix it.

Some Personal Miscommunication

I’ll start with a story. It’s a silly, seemingly insignificant one, but sometimes those things can teach you a lot.

Dave, Lucy and I were in the kitchen a week or so ago and dinner time was approaching. I was helping Lucy with some homework and Dave was coming in from a meeting. He asked if I had any ideas for dinner. An innocent question right? I looked up from where Lu and I were working, realized how late it was, and told him we’d just have to have left-overs. We had some good ones after all, and Lu and I were deep into a tedious assignment she couldn’t see well enough to complete.

Dave looked at me in a peculiar way when I told him we were having leftovers and immediately my defenses went up. I was grumpy to start with, worried about how Lucy is going to cope with assignments like this in college. In my frame of mind, Dave was adding another thing to the weight I was trying to carry. And in hindsight, without that stress I was in the middle of in that moment, that “look” was completely innocent. But when you’re stressed, feeling unsure of yourself, or feeling vulnerable that’s the easiest time for miscommunication to happen. So I became self-righteous and a martyr. Really, did he not even appreciate how much I prioritize family dinner? Boy, my blood started to boil.

I don’t know if anyone else does this, but that little interaction stayed simmering on my heart for a couple days before we got a chance to talk about it. By that time that small thing had been compounded by a couple other things in my mind and by then I was hopping mad, hurt by Dave’s apparent obliviousness to my dinner efforts which turned to all the efforts.

Now, I have to say as a side-note that Dave is actually the best at appreciating my efforts. He knows I like to make dinner and expresses all kinds of gratitude, in all aspects of life. I’m so thankful for that. But the story I told myself that night and a couple instances after that were misconstrued. And we had to sit down and talk it out. Oh I love communication like that to get deeper.

Last weekend I learned a secret that could have helped stop the miscommunication in the first place. And would help for future misunderstandings too.

So I want to share.

A Secret Phrase to Use for Fixing Miscommunication

So my sisters and I were hiking in the red rocks of Sedona this last weekend (a story for another day), and we got talking about relationships. Saydi, who is a therapist, has so many good tips and tricks for communication she has learned through her practice. One thing she said stood out to me that I want to add to my toolbox.

She said the “secret” is to use this phrase when you are hurt or feel misunderstood:

“The story I’m telling myself about this is…”

Then explain how you feel. I love that this vulnerability isn’t attacking or blaming. It’s not “you make me feel [blah blah blah]” or “you don’t see [blah blah blah]” which is so easy to do, right? It’s simply giving honest feedback that explains how you feel.

I immediately thought of our dinner misunderstanding the week before. What if I had just said, “the story I’m telling myself about the look you gave me is that I’m not doing enough dinner-making.” Then Dave could have been less defensive because I wasn’t in “attack mode.” He could have come back with the story he was telling himself about the situation as well. I think it would have deflated the hype of that miscommunication and helped us both to feel heard and validated.

So I’m going to add that puppy to my practice of fixing miscommunication. I do think that one little phrase could have a lot of power.

Thanks Sayds for sharing this little tidbit of wisdom.

Other Posts About Communication

• A Key to Create Better Communication
• Creating Positive Communication with Teenagers
• Fostering Deeper Discussions with Your Family