I talk up this
mumbo-jumbo about how much it makes you grow and what a grand adventure it is. Oh, how I glorify it in my mind.
But lately I have realized that I only like certain types of change. I like big change. The things that force me and my family completely out of our comfort zone. That’s why I want to live for a while in a foreign country…just for a little while at least (see this post). That’s the kind of change I pine away for.
It was a card that outlined how he had worked it out for us to move to China for six months.
Yes, I dare say he looks a tad bit uneasy about that gift I’m glowing about, but really, he was pretty excited too.
But things changed. We couldn’t for the life of us make the final details fall into place. And we had just bought a house.
So instead of moving to China for a while, we are moving to an adjacent neighborhood (when we finally get that thing remodeled which is s-l-o-w…more on that later).
In the process of getting ready to move so close yet so far away I have come to grips with the fact that for me, the smaller-scale, less grandiose changes are harder than the big ones.
I think it’s because I’m so darn sentimental.
Because when that small change comes, my heart stops in it’s
tracks. It’s then, on the brink of that change jumping into reality
that I realize maybe curling up in a ball in the corner would actually
be better than stepping out into the dark and taking that new plunge into the immediate unknown.
I know, I know, “it’s across one major street for pete’s sake!” But I think the thought of moving makes you realize how blessed you’ve been for as long as you’ve been there. It makes you wonder if you’ve taken what you had for granted.
I’m so grateful for where we live. Sure, Dave and I have prayed and talked about the move til we’re blue in the face, and we have come to the conclusion that it is what’s right for our family at this point in life. We already know so many people over there who we adore and it will be so nice to see them more often and to meet so many new people. Plus, we couldn’t ask for better new neighbors (they’re the ones we went to India with).
But that doesn’t mean leaving what is so comfortable and good here in this neighborhood is easy.
You see, at the beginning of the school year (a month ago) we changed wards (a ward is a group of people in the same geographic location who go to church at the same time). We figured since our kids will be “growing up” in the new house they may as well get to know everyone over there.
But man alive, it’s a weird juxtaposition because although we know our new ward and area is going to be awesome, I think what’s hard is leaving a neighborhood and ward full of people you adore who have essentially helped raise your children for ten years. Do they realize how grateful we are? Did we serve them enough? Will we stay in touch the way we want to? What about the neighbors who are like siblings to my children? Will we ever see them any more if they have to cross a busy street to get to our house? Do those empty-nester couples who we look up to so much ever know how much they have influenced us for good? Do those Young Women I got to work with realize how much they have changed my life for the better? Do they know about that hollow spot in my heart that misses them so much?
See? I’m way too sentimental. I blame my Dad for that 🙂
My initial grand visions of how great change is are always fully realized in the end. Change helps you grow. I can always look back on change and nod in acceptance
that yes, “change” was good. “Change” changed us for the better.
But we need to get going on this house and rip off the band-aid.
Luckily they gave Dave and me new callings to help us get going in our new ward. Dave is now working with the Young Men (16-18 year olds) which he is so excited about and which he will rock at. And I have the last calling I would ever, ever expect:
Junior Primary Chorister.
I’m serious about that. When the guy asked if I would do it I almost fell off my chair before I reminded him I have no musical abilities whatsoever and those kids (ages 4-8…lots and lots of them) may be bored to tears with me standing in front of them (especially since the last chorister was totally animated and in-the-zone).
But you know what? I’m excited. Because I’m going to embrace change and let it change me for the better.
Who knows, maybe it’ll help change those kids in some small way as well 🙂
So, my realization in all this talk is this: Sometimes the smaller-seeming changes ARE the big changes. If I wait to be jolted into shape for some big, grandiose change to come my way, I may be waiting for a long time. Even something as small as changing around a routine or starting a new good habit are enough change to make a difference.
Although it is still true in some ways I’d rather pack my bags and move us all to China than move across the street, I’m realizing this change is actually bigger than I thought it would be. I can feel the growing already as we all get pushed further from our comfort zones.
And that means I think I’m going to like it after all.
(Just as long as we can soak in every remaining second of this house we adore and thank people and love people here enough before we leave….and stay in touch with them forever and ever:)