Living in the moment as a mother is one of those things that sounds simple but is anything but. This is a post I wrote back when my children were small, inspired by a quote that stopped me in my tracks and changed the way I approached my days. I come back to it often.
The Quote That Changed Everything
My favorite motherhood quote comes from Anna Quindlen. In it, she reflects on the parenting books she once pored over — Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Spock — all now gathering dust on a shelf. She writes about looking back at a photograph of her three children sitting together on a quilt in the grass one summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1, and wishing she could remember what they talked about, how they sounded, how they looked when they slept that night. Her biggest regret? Being in too much of a hurry to get to the next thing — dinner, bath, bed — and not treasuring the doing enough.
It’s a short passage, but it carries tremendous weight. The kind that makes you put down whatever you’re rushing through and just… stop.
The Moment I First Read It
I remember exactly when it became my favorite. I was pregnant with my third child and already had two little ones only 14 months apart. Overwhelmed didn’t begin to cover it. Without fail, both babies seemed to need opposite things at exactly the same time, and I was chock full of “I can’t wait ‘til’s.” I couldn’t wait until Max could feed himself. Until Elle could sit up and entertain herself for one quiet minute. Until I could sleep through the night uninterrupted until 7:00 am. Pure heaven, I told myself.
I’d been skimming through a Newsweek, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of the real world — that world that had become so foreign since I’d taken on the title of “Mother.” Somewhere between the politics and world affairs, I stumbled onto Anna’s article about mothers and enjoying the now.
Tears were pouring down my cheeks before I’d even finished the paragraph. Pregnancy hormones, sure — but mostly it was the pure realization that I wasn’t living in the moment enough. The trenches of motherhood I was slogging through were deep. There wasn’t much light at the end of the tunnel that day. But reading her words hit me with a thought I couldn’t shake: I needed to seek out and hold onto the good stuff. I needed to soak up my babies. Because if Anna Quindlen was wishing she’d cherished the moment more, I’d be right there with her if I didn’t get my act together.
Her trenches were gone — nothing but a faded memory. Mine were still deep, and I was going to live it up in there.
What Happened When I Slowed Down
The next day I slowed down. Instead of cramming in errands and social commitments, I stayed home with my babies. We read books, popped popcorn, sang songs, put together puzzles, and just delighted in being together. And I noticed so much more.
Elle spilled her drink all over her beloved blankie and started to cry when I said I had to wash it. Max leaned over and told her in the sweetest voice that it was okay — he’d share his blankie while hers was in the washing machine. I noticed Elle’s little dimple when she smiled. I complimented Max on a dozen things and watched him beam. I was so in love with being a mom I could hardly contain myself.
The day after that was back to reality — catching up on neglected things, the kids teasing each other, Elle drawing all over the couch with a ballpoint pen. But for some reason it didn’t bother me as much. Even the catastrophes felt like moments worth having. My mind had made a shift, and I just had to keep choosing it.
Redefining What “Success” Looks Like
As mothers, there’s always a never-ending list. Pay the bills. Do the dishes. Make dinner. Do the shopping. Each item gets checked off, and we feel productive. But are we really succeeding if we missed the look on our child’s face the moment he figured out how to pump his legs on the swing? Is it a win if we got everyone down for naps in record time but forgot to finish the puzzle we promised we’d do together?
Sometimes success is actually not finishing the to-do list. It’s stopping long enough to notice the little things, to savor the moment, and not just to notice the delight in our children’s eyes but to help create it.
Being There — Really There
Another piece of writing I love on this topic comes from Iris Krasnow in her essay “Surrendering to Motherhood.” Her central idea is that “Being There” for your children isn’t about money or staying home full-time — it’s an emotional and spiritual shift. It’s about being so fully present that when your child runs in excited about a praying mantis he just caught, you crouch down on the floor and get completely delirious over it with him, instead of calling “oh honey, isn’t that nice” over your shoulder while you load the dishwasher. It’s about being attuned enough to notice when your child’s eyes shine — so you can make your eyes shine back.
That image has stayed with me for years. I want my children to see my eyes shine when we play together. I want to enjoy their world as much as they do, to crouch down and get delirious over the simple things that light them up, to look at life through their eyes while I still can.
The Joy Becomes Part of You
No matter how much I write down, how many photos I take, how hard I beg time to slow down — this season with young children will still slip away. But the joy I choose to feel while I’m in the moment with my kids won’t fade the way photographs do. It becomes part of me. And it becomes part of them.
There will always be days I’m too tired to pull out the paints again and let the kids destroy my freshly cleaned kitchen. Finding laundry detergent spread across the floor will always be frustrating. Getting everyone out the door with shoes on and hair brushed will never not take forever. But somewhere along the way I’ve tried to change my attitude — and savoring the everyday moments, even the messy ones, makes all the hard stuff a little more okay.
More on Motherhood
If this resonated with you, here are a few more posts you might love:
Shawni-
You are so right on. Just what I needed to here today after feeling like I wish my kids “would stop bothering me” so I could get my stuff done. I appreciate your realness.
I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks since google reader recommended it to me. I’ve related to many of your posts, but especially this one. With a 3 1/2 year old and an 18 month old, I am in the not much light mode right now, and trying to figure out how to really be there as a mom. Thank you for this post. I really needed it!
I have also been reading your blog for a bit, my little sister and your niece Brimley are good friends. I appreciated this post…with a 4 year old, 2 year old and one on the way! It is a good reminder.
I have been interested in photography for a while and love looking at your pictures. Do you have a price list? I am looking for someone to take my family pictures after the baby is born…and I don’t want to mess with my tripod and remote :). You can e-mail me
beagleston8@yahoo.com. Thanks!
I know we don’t know each other but I read your blog daily.. I just wanted to thank you for this Beatiful post. It is just the reminder I needed today.
Melissa
that brought on so many emotions in me. a friend of mine just exprienced an imaginable loss. her youngest (1 year) just died by drowning. http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com/
as a result of that, i’ve really been focusing on “cherishing the moment.” i’d been doing pretty good until the last couple of days when parker has been exhibiting every difficult behavior a 2 year old should. it’s been wearing me out, especially as i’ve been trying to catch up on the things i’ve been letting go in the last few weeks.
i too remember when i read that anna quindlen quote for the first time. natalie was a newborn and parker wasn’t 2 yet. as you did, i had my hands full, and i also found myself thinking “i can’t wait until…” all too often. i was so grateful that i’d read her quote when i did. it forced me to slow down and enjoy the ride rather than rush through it.
i too LOVE being a mom. it’s hard and i’m always tired, but i wouldn’t trade these fun summer days with my babies for the world.
thanks for the reminder that i need all too often.
I am so glad I just read your post, I needed this tonight! Sophie had that look in her eyes tonight when she figured out how to properly say the word “hospital”! She has always pronounced it “hostipal” (so cute) Any how, I think she came into me 15 different times, so thrilled with herself repeating it correctly! I loved your sweet post, it brought tears to my eyes, hoping that I was living in the moment this evening. I was really sad that she actually figured it out, it just shows how quickly she is growing up!
Shawni-
I got on your blog today trying to forget how sad I am about my kids growing up. I always wanted at least 4 kids and we ended up with just two girls. Yesterday I sent our oldest off to her 3rd year of girls camp and also celebrated my other daughters 11th bday. It seems that in a blink of an eye we are close to the end of raising our family. IM NOT READY TO BE DONE! Everyday it’s more and more of letting them go a little at a time. Thanks for your post.
Paula
Hi! I’m a lurker from Utah with three kids. I happened to link to your blog from another one and it is one of my favorites. Keep up the beautiful pictures and great inspiration that all of us moms-in-the-trenches need so much!
Sarah
Thanks for the great reminder! It is so difficult to find a balance with all the million directions we are getting pulled in. I look at my kids now all in school this year and I wish I could rewind time and savor those moments. I was thinking of the book I’ll love you forever that my kids still have me read and it reminds me that it is never to late. The day we signed on to be a mother meant mother forever.
Beautiful Shawni. I think about this all the time. I have really tried to reclaim this thought this year as I too feel that they are all growing up to fast. I have been keeping a journal in my car so I can write down the crazy moments when at the time I didn’t think they were too funny. Just writing them makes me see the beautiful side of the crazy times. Your posts always do that for me. Keep them up.
One doesn’t have to be a mother to appreciate this sentiment. I will always appreciate the time my mother spent with me and my siblings.
Parents don’t forget it.
Kids don’t forget it.
That was so right on. thanks for the words and the reminder to live in the moment.
My sister recommended your blog to me just to get good ideas on how you take beautiful pictures, but your words are just as beautiful as your pictures. I just had my 5th child 3 months ago and feel as you do. Wishing time would go slower and that they wouldn’t grow up so fast and then the next minute feeling completely overwhelmed at how busy my day is and I just can’t get enough done. Thank you for that post…I needed to hear that just to remind myself of how amazing and wonderful my little family is. You are a wonderful mom and you take beautiful pictures. I wish I lived in AZ to take one of your classes on capturing the moment.
Great blog Shawni. You are so talented to bring out all the things we think about and put them into words so eloquently. Miss you guys so much and am so happy to keep caught up through your blog.
Christy
Thank you Shawni.
That is my favorite motherhood quote as well. I heard it for the first time not long after I captured a picture of my own kids (the exact same ages 6,4,1) swinging together in the backyard. It hit me, like it does so often lately, that I would give anything to be able to freeze time.
Blogging is a miraculous discovery that has allowed me to capture so many more of these “moments” so I can remember them long after they pass.
Your words and thoughts are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing them.
I don’t know you, but a friend emailed me a link to this post. I was having a horrible day and expressed to her the difficulty of raising three kids five and under and how I just wanted to run away from the role of motherhood for a day. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I found your blog through someone else’s about a month ago. I love to come here and see your beautiful pictures. I also, love the way you put your feelings into words. I have been feeling lately that I don’t want my boys to grow up. I feel they are getting too big, too fast. Reading your post reminds me that I NEED to take the time to enjoy them. I am always worried about the housework, errands, shopping, and not so much the time I spend with them. Thanks for sharing the quote. I really needed a reminder today. I also hope you don’t ming if I keep coming back.
Thanks, Malissa
Shawni–I’m a friend of Saren’s, and I run The Power of Moms (www.powerofmoms.com). Do you think I could use this entry as a feature article for July? I know July’s almost over…I’m hoping to send out the monthly email tonight. Would you mind emailing me (april@powerofmoms.com) if that’s okay?
Thanks!
-April Perry
Hi Shawni. I hope you remember me. Carrie Gardner Reed. I was an intern at the Points of Light Foundation before I was married. MaryClaire Brown (your cousin I believe) my neighbor in Highland, included a link to your blog and I realized I knew you. My family of 6 is living in Mexico this year and amazingly you had some influence on my decision to live out of the country. Take a look at my blog sometime. Love yours by the way.
utahmominmexico.blogspot.com
One link to another I was lead to this post and with tear filled eyes i couldnt have needed it more. I am now that Mother with the babies 18 months apart trying to see past the messes and tantrums to the absolute precious moments that come with a one and two year old. Shawni, thank you for being such an insipring mother. Im so happy you took the time to record these feelings not just so you could look back and learn from them but so that we can too. LOVE it. Cari