Sending a Teenager Abroad: Elle’s Summer Internship Experience

Letting a teenager go abroad, especially across-the-world-kind-of-abroad, is no small thing.

The summer after our kids’ junior year of high school, we send them on what we call international internships. It is an idea inspired by Dave’s brother who did just that with his own children in high school.  Max took the lead for our family last year when he lived in China. Sending our first two kids off has stretched all of us in ways we didn’t expect. And it became one of the most powerful growth experiences for our family.

This is the story of Elle’s summer in London and what we learned from letting her go.

Why Letting a Teen Go Abroad Is So Hard

From the time our children emerge into the big, wide world, we are tethered. Our lives intertwine on every level. And then, gradually, we have to start to let them go–the process of the “untethering.” They need to learn to think on their own, to gather their own strength away from us as the locus of control begins to shift. And sometimes that is painful for a mama. Especially when our kids are still teenagers!

But Dave and I believe that this process of letting kids go, and essentially “working ourselves out of a job” is such a gift for future independence.

Of course, in general, parents are the major nurturers of their children and teach them in word and in deed.  I love the quote, “Teach your children everything you know.  If you must, use words.”  Kids soak in more than we realize, (as evidenced by some of the impatient or not-so-nice things my kids say that I realize mimic exactly what I have said…shoot!).

But some incredibly important things are learned when it’s NOT those pesky parents nagging and doing the repetitive teaching.  Sometimes some of the big things are taught by a teacher or a friend, and through the example of a peer, etc.

That’s why every time I think of Elle on her summer internship I get so overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude.  It wins over the ache of the missing. Because she is being taught by some of the most wonderful people.

And they are people I’ve never even met.

The Unexpected Kindness of Strangers

When I mentioned here on the blog that Dave and I were ready to embark on figuring out an international internship for Elle this summer, blog readers came to the rescue. We were overwhelmed and humbled as we received emails from all over the world with offers and advice and encouragement.

As we sat down and started looking through all those emails together Elle looked at me with eyes as big as saucers and said, “I can’t believe how nice people are!”

I was right there with her in my awe.  So many kind and wonderful people offering to help this girl they hardly knew almost made me want to tear up.  Many had already spoken to human resource departments or had their own companies and were ready to let Elle join them.  It made me want to be like them and reach out with my heart more.  And it also may heart spill over with gratitude.  It made me wish I had fifty children to go out and soak up so many awaiting adventures!

I sure hope some will still be available when it’s time for Grace to go on her own adventure in a few years.

How We Chose the Right Internship Experience

Elle and I wrote a big list of the most viable options that extended from places like Ireland to Sri Lanka and everywhere in between.  We had to narrow them down:

• What interested her most?
• What kind of experience she could learn and grow the most from?
• What time frame would match up with the time she had available?
• How much of a challenge did she want to take on?

We narrowed down the options (through lots of back and forth emails gathering information) to Germany, England, Ireland and France (oh and one pretty sweet one in San Francisco too that was hard to turn down!).

One Option That Stood Out

There were some very compelling options where she would learn so much and the time-frame worked for us. But for some reason, ever since I got the very first email from the family moving to England who had offered to have Elle live with them, that idea planted pretty firmly in my heart.

Every time that option came up to talk about (this was a two or three week process) I just felt so calm and peaceful.  It was almost like a voice inside of me saying, “this is it! go with it!”

I didn’t say much to Elle about it, I wanted her to figure out what sounded best to her without blabbing about how I felt, and you know what?  She came up with the same answer.  England just fit like a glove.

(Poor Max never had a choice on all this. But we had the perfect situation for him in China and this is a process that we’re realizing will be refined each time we send a child out.)

The Challenges (and What Fell Through)

It’s funny that England felt so right. Because the first “job” that was lined up there fell through. (Strict Visa requirements…which some blog readers had warned me of).  The family who offered to have her stay with them there had a pretty sweet internship rigged up for her that didn’t end up working.

But the funny part is that even after that little let-down, London still felt exactly right.  I knew something else would work out and the host family offer was still there. Right at that time we got another email from a blog reader right there near London who had a connection with a lady who works in fashion for Elle to interview with. And then a great friend who lives in London who we had been in contact with about all this had an idea:  He had a great connection for a woman who started an up and coming architecture firm there. He put in a good word for Elle.  Both would not be paid internships because of the strict visa rules in England. But the value of the experiences she would gain at either place would be worth it’s weight in gold.  (Luckily she has her photography to help her earn the money she needs.)

She had Skype interviews with both companies. Although both were pretty great options, she decided to go with the architecture firm.  And from there we got to work on all the other details.

A Quick Trip to Send Her Off

The girls and I had the opportunity to soak Elle up in New York City en route to London. We hugged her goodbye from there for her grand adventure. My brother Eli and his wife Julie are actually the ones who sent her off (they live in NYC). They took such great care of her since we had to leave a day early to get Grace back to summer school.  Love you E&J!!

Elle lucked out on the red-eye flight.  This is the picture she sent with the comment “I’m good” as she took off:

What Teens Learn When Parents Step Back

Once Elle took off she was on her own to figure things out. We had bought her a train ticket from Heathrow to Paddington Station before she left and do you know what? She found it and met up with this awesome family who she stayed with her first four days.  They are good friends with our friends who live there and have two of the cutest ever teenage daughters who took such great care of Elle!

They showed her all around London that first day.

…and went on some adventures the next few days too.

How is it that there can be certain people you’ve never even met that your heart just falls in love with?  This family and the next are some of those people.  Oh how I long to meet them and give them big hugs for taking such great care of my daughter!

They went to Cambridge and explored the area where they live and that Elle Belle learned so much!

The Family She Lived With

Then it was on to the other family she has lived with the rest of the five weeks over there.

This awesome family was from Texas and moved right to the heart of London with their four little girls. They were kind and good enough to take Elle under their wing right from the start of their grand adventure over there. Can you even believe how nice that is?

Since then she has worked hard, learned all kinds of things about architecture. She has fallen in love with the London public transit system. It’s been easy to fall in love with her “family” there and new “sisters.” She has learned so much from her co-workers from all over the world. And has fallen so in love with London that we’re crossing her fingers she’ll really come back to us tomorrow!  Ha!

Why Hard Experiences Shape Our Kids

There’s a good reason putting our kids in uncomfortable positions helps them grow. As Dave always says, “There’s growth in the ‘comfort zone’ and no comfort in the ‘growth zone.'” When we “let” our kids do hard things we give them the opportunity to pull from their own inner strength in brand new ways.

It was so fun to watch how Elle grew into herself more as the time went on. Here’s an excerpt from one of her emails she sent (she was answering a bunch of my questions that were numbered…these are the ones that weren’t just housekeeping stuff).

Elle’s Email

2) favorite part of work is lunch with all the co workers.  we go get food at a take out place then either eat on the terrace, the dungeon (kitchen area). or we will go to the park and eat if its a nice day.  like me and 6-8 others depending on the day.  so that is good and at around 5 on friday we all went out for ice cream which was fun. sooo ya and i also like talking to marta (the main girl that directs me on what to do (italian)).

4) i think i would love wimbledon but i will be gone and havent gotten tickets at all yet so i just dont think it will work.

5) yes im going to paris and i have pretty much just about nailed every single thing on my bucket list which rocks (plus extra).  i do still want to go see the tate modern so i might just go quick after work once.

11) very favorite part is prob transportation.  idk why i love it. and the accents of course, and the architecture and how much history everything has

12) fav thing outside london is prob the cotswolds.  seriously the PRETTIEST EVER. buuut it will prob be paris by the end

13) learning……seriously mamma…….uuhhhhm how about we wait till i can look back on the experience.  i learned a LOT about how a real job in an office works. and a lot about the city and london culture

14) ive picked up on like 2 british phrases but me and the girls are really really workinf to say “lift”, “pushchair”, “lovely”, and other things more.  i have a list of all the phrases ive heard on my phone.

love you too and cant wait to move to london when i get married
el

That’s mama pay-back right there.

Photos that Tell the Story

Here is a collection of pictures that I gathered. I’ll have to have Elle comment on them some day to tell the whole story:

…and more with her “family.”

My Sister’s Visit

My sister happened to be in England this summer for a little bit so it was so fun for her to meet up with them in one of the most gorgeous places in the world one of the weekends.

The dad of the family she is staying with is an amazing photographer and has taught her so much about photography.  Here are some of his pics.

They found this at church one Sunday:

Funny.

It’s been quite an adventure and I can’t believe it’s over!  She spent her last weekend in Paris.

Poor girl:)

To see some of her pictures and a little about what she says about them check out “@elleinengland” on Instagram where she’s tried to put up some updates.

Love and gratitude to all of you wonderful people who gave Elle so many wonderful options. People who helped us figure all this out.  And extra thanks to you dear families who have made this experience so amazing for her.  We will be forever in your debt and we can’t wait to meet you some day!

Why Sending a Teenager Abroad Was Worth It

This experience stretched her. It stretched me.

Letting her go across the world felt big. But it became one of the most beautiful parts of her growing up.

This is what letting kids go looks like sometimes:
Not just missions or college, but trusting them with experiences that shape who they become.

If you’re in a season of supporting your children on their journey to independence, you can find more of our letting go experiences gathered together in one spot.

Now Elle, come on home!

Growth Through Hard Experiences for Teens

• I Miss My Son So Much: Letting a Teen Go Across the World (Max in China)
• Why Hard Things Are Good for Teens (Grace in China)
• Why Teens Need Experiences Away From Home (Claire in the Netherlands)