I got a question about raising teenage boys clear back when Max turned fifteen (below). It sure made me think.
When I came across this question again the other day it made me think again. Because man! It’s amazing what a change of perspective you can have when you have an adult son looking back at those often messy teenage years.
I know there are so many moms out there in the throes of raising teenage sons. They come in all different shapes, sizes and temperaments for sure.
Of course, I’ve only had one of them, so I didn’t exactly have my own “learning lab” of raising boys. But I did learn a lot in my teen-raising-years. Mostly from very wise sister-in-laws and other seasoned mothers around me.
Some Initial Advice
Since I’m now one of those more “seasoned” mothers looking at this whole mumbo-jumbo of what we call mothering teenagers from the “other side,” I can offer some advice:
Mamas, hang on!
These boys grow up and their brains eventually develop. Ha! They become endearing men who will melt your heart right into a puddle. Especially when they have their own children.
Yes, especially then.
The “short” answer key is loving all of them with all your heart. The good, the bad and even the ugly.
Yes, especially the ugly.
Because when you do, you create a safe place for them to decipher the world from their own insides.
I am for sure not saying this from an “I did it all right” perspective because boy howdy, my kids will tell you some pretty awful stories from my parenting. Be sure to ask them about the cutie orange debacle if you ever get a chance. Ha! (A very low point in my mothering.)
There are some great “seasoned mother” comments in this post originally posted back in 2012, be sure to read those too!
A Question About Raising Teenage Boys
Let’s get to this question from a blog-reading mother over ten years ago:
How can I help my fifteen-year-old son find success? He is the oldest in our family like yours, and we want him to find the desire to succeed in school and in life in general. He lacks motivation and my husband is worried that he is leading himself up for failure and won’t be able to take care of a family and support them if he doesn’t succeed in high school. Will he get into a University? We don’t know. {this question is paraphrased to take out some personal stuff}
My 12-years-ago Answer
This is my answer from way back then:
And although Max is very “super” in his own way (he is every bit of those fifteen things I listed), he’s certainly has a lot to learn, and a lot of growing up to do. Every once in a while I have to stop and make sure that people know that I write a lot of the good stuff here on this blog. I don’t share all the things I am endlessly worrying about. It doesn’t do anyone any good…especially not my kids who read this thing regularly. Sure, I like to keep in real here (for more posts on keeping it real, click here…although I haven’t been so hot at labeling them lately). I know I’m biased because I do think these kids of mine are the greatest things since sliced bread, but of course they have their own issues and things we struggle with as well.
We worry so much about these same things with Max and I wanted to share this question because I think there are LOTS of mothers of teenage boys who worry themselves sick about them. I mean, the poor kids have a lot of responsibility on their shoulders. And they are being raised in a society where we coddle and pamper kids a bunch. I have asked many parents to help me know how to help Max to stay motivated and proactive…more “self-appointed.” I will share the answers I have received, either through prayer or discussing with others and I hope that helps:
My Mother-in-law’s insight:
Look for the Good
Quote about Worry
I love this quote from Patricia Holland:
“…If we are to search for real light and eternal certainties, we have to pray as the ancients prayed. We are women now, not children, and we are expected to pray with maturity. The words most often used to describe urgent, prayerful labor are wrestle, plead, cry, and hunger. In some sense, prayer may be the hardest work we ever will engage in, and perhaps it should be.”
Experienced mothers (and dads) of teenage boys: please send us your advice as well! (Remember to check the comments, because experienced mothers did send some great gems!)
My “Seasoned Mother” Answer to how to help your teenager find success
I agree with all I said back then, but here are some simple things to add.
At first you may think at first glance that none of these things actually answer the question “how do I help my teenage son find success.” But guess what? They all lead directly to that success. Because when we let our kids be who they are and work to help them be their OWN best selves (not who we think they should be), they find success.
Oh, it may be a very different type of success than it would if we call all the shots. But believe me, as our kids grow up, we start to realize that we actually aren’t in charge of all “the shots.” Our kids need to find their own paths and their own passions. THAT’S how they find success. And we can support them to get there.
Get to know your kids
“Sometimes we get so busy loving who we WANT our kids to be that we miss loving who they ARE.”
My friend shared this quote with me the other day and I had to stop and write it down. Because it’s so true. Oh we are mothers, so we want the world for our kids! Like this mom who sent the question, and me with fifteen-year-old Max all those years ago.
And yes, there are times to worry for sure. But when we get to know our kids, we can know how to motivate them.
This takes time.
It takes spending time with them. Put down our phones. Sit on their beds at night. Figure out the best way to get them to open up. (I figured out years ago that Max’s was in the car driving side-by-side, he didn’t like the face-to-face stuff.)
I saw a mom out on a walk with her two teenage boys this morning. They were walking three across on the sidewalk. It was funny that it caught my eye because the thing I noticed wasn’t just that they were talking, there were no phones, no airpods, no distractions. Just a mom walking with her boys.
And I thought that was pretty cool.
Yes, getting to know our boys takes time. And we need to be willing to give it.
Watch your Reactions
I KNOW, this is so hard. Especially when your teenager is making the dumbest mistakes in the whole wide world (which happens often with teenage boys! sorry boys!). It’s so easy for us to get on their cases, lecture and scold.
But it’s so important to take the emotion out of our reactions. Teenage boys need to be put in line and have boundaries for sure, but the last thing they need is to feel “shamed” from their parents.
Ignore or create emotion-less consequences for the dumb stuff. For example, if you have a rule for no phones in bedrooms and you find them with it in there, take it away with no words. And hold firm to your family rules (kids need these!)
Praise the Good, and more good will happen
It is human nature to want to feel “seen.” Teenagers need to feel like their goodness is noticed. Look intentionally for things you can sincerely compliment them on and you will find them.
Then praise those good things. In front of your partner and their siblings. Praise them in your prayers when you pray with them. In your daily interactions.
Then watch them start to glow.
Hug Those Teenage Boys
I know it’s not natural to hug teenagers. Especially wiry and awkward teenage boys. But there’s something so incredibly important about physical touch for kids.
They need it.
Try the 8-second hug if you can, or work up to it.
There you go, some new tips for raising teenage boys from a different vantage point now that I’m on this side looking back.
My biggest tip though? HAVE FUN with those teenagers.
You will blink and they will be all grown up.
Sending lots of love as you muddle through the process. And remember they do grow up and mature. With the potential to become some of your grandest friends.
Other Posts About Teenagers
- Spotlight on Max (mostly volleyball since that’s what he did pretty much 24-7 as a teenager)
- MORP and how much fun teenagers are (back when Max and Elle were in the throes of high school dances)
- Three Ways to Help Teenagers Build a Positive Self-Image
- Ten Ways to Manage Pre-Teens
- The BEST posts about raising teenagers from my late friend Sarah from Clover Lane who is so terribly missed.
Perfectly said Shawni. I used to worry worry worry (OK I still can get there sometimes) about the boys…but I think as they grow into the teen years (my oldest is 18) you see glimpses of behavior that will make you just as encouraged and happy and content as the glimpses that make you think, "Oh no things aren't going to turn out well for you." I think our boys need encouragement for the stuff they do do right also-they thrive on that. And sometimes the hard lessons are the best ones of all as much as they make us cringe for them.
I am a mom of young boys but have spent my professional career working with high school and college kids. They ALL mess up. And *most* come out just fine. I will always worry about my boys–they're mine, it's part of my job description. (Miniscule part compared to loving them, but it just comes along anyhow.) There are false starts, wrong paths that look so right at the beginning–and right paths that seem like a terrible idea at the start. Speak your mind but love, love, love, and trust that "roots and wings" are the greatest gifts.
So far it's been a challenge for me (and one I see reflected in the parents of the kids I work with) to remember: the path I want for my kids may not be their path. My oldest doesn't play soccer, despite (because of?) it being his father's greatest athletic joy. That's ok. I know there are other dreams I hold for him that he will reject, and that's ok too.
We have been lucky, our large family has many brilliant college graduates, and some incredibly successful non-college graduates (a contractor, a radiation tech at a hospital who tries hard to not be smug that his starting salary was double his college-grad cousin's). But these paths don't always look clear from the start. I will pray for the questioner's boy, and for her, that her heart will clear. But I have worked with thousands of kids, and while the road can be bumpy, it's theirs, and it brings them gifts and lessons we can't even imagine.
Thank you for your perspective! I am grateful to read this. It has inspired me to love my son more and to worry less about his future. Let him grow up the way he is meant to grow with his own desires, gifts and talents and remember that it will all work out in the end. And never stop praying for him and his success!
I love this post Shawni. My oldest is a 10yr old boy (the only boy) and My husband and I have already started worrying about all that stuff! Another layer of worry is added when close family members have made choices that have affected their entire lives and potential. So when we see an inkling of a particular weakness, that may be age-appropriate, their whole life passes before our eyes and we fear they will make similar choices.
I LOVE the Patricia Holland quote. Thanks for including that. I had never heard it before and I love it.
I also love the point your mom taught in "5 Spiritual Solutions" to embrace the "8-12 window". We are trying to take advantage of this phase while it lasts.
When I dreamed of being a mother – I never knew it would worry me so much! So grateful we don't have to do it completely on our own. 🙂
I would like to comment here on this; as well as three younger daughters we have two sons who are 28 and 29. Both gave us all manner of worries and concerns about their lack of motivation, need to sleep a lot, homework, bedrooms, girls etc etc. Now we have two wonderful young men; one who runs his own building company, works hard and does lots of saving and the other has a job, a wife and a beautiful three year old daughter. That second son is a brilliant husband and daddy and is miles away from the boy who wouldn't do his school work and the boy whose teachers were always ringing me! While neither of them have taken the exact path we may have imagined career wise, all the things that really matter, all those things we tried to exemplify and teach went in there somehow. When they text me to come visit offering to cook and bring the food with them, when I watch them with their much younger siblings, I am proud that they have become not the young men we dreamed they would be but the young men they are meant to be; they have all the good qualities we could have wished for and more. The days of nagging and worrying are so far in the past that I rarely think of them. To all of you out there with teenage sons; it will be OK. Just love them, teach them, be there for them but give them space to grow into themselves and they will get there.
Wow. Don't have a teenage son, but my testimony of prayer just grew from reading that. Thank you!
Bobi
http://westernwarmth.blogspot.com
My brother had no motivation. Skimmed through HS, dropped out of college, in debt, no prospects
but then he met a wonderful girl and he went back to school, got a good job, and in the past year they got married, had a baby, and bought a house!
We are all very proud of him. I think some people it just comes later…don't worry…just keep encouraging him,
I am a mother to 3 sons. They're still very small. But I also have 2 brothers. I think sometimes it's good to remind ourselves that those boys that grow into men, they don't HAVE to be the sole support of that family. Their futures wives may also contribute financially to their households. Why put the pressure of "supporting the family" on just the boy? I know this is a different perspective that the other comments thus far. I'm just saying that these days it's a lot of pressure to rely on the man to be the sole support of a family. Not everyone has a husband that makes enough money, so that their wives are able to stay home. The economy is shakey at best.
Or what if one of those boys wants to be a stay at home dad?
THANK YOU! For this post. I too have a son as the eldest followed by three girls. That is one reason I love to read your blog…I relate to you and your family so much. My son is only 11 but is growing so much quicker than I would like. I love to read and learn from you…Thank you for your blog!
My 18 year old son is our oldest. I also have 15, 12, and 6 year old sons with girls in between. It always seemed to me that second born sons are easier and have more confidence in every area. I realized one day that that first born has to find out who they are all by themselves. It's a rough road. The second born knows who he is because the path has been paved for him by his older brother. He's so and so's younger brother. He has an identity from birth while that first born has to find one all through his life. First born sons (and all sons) just need constant love, no matter what stupid things they do. I never thought my 18 year old would overcome some of his weaknesses, but it is true that their brain checks back in. It really does. It's like their brain is a giant puzzle and all of the pieces are sitting there in the right place but aren't locked in yet. At around 17 and 18 the pieces start locking together and you can start to see this beautiful picture forming of the man he will be. It's so exciting and so rewarding.
Wow, Shawni;
Thanks for posting this. Tears fill my eyes as I feel the warmth and love from others I don't even know.
I have been with out my son this week as he is with his dad out at scout camp. He had to do a "survior" camp with the 16-18yr olds. He was so excited, (i was nervous)I prayed for him this week like I've never prayed before. Prayer is the answer. This post comes at such a great time. They boys come home tomorrow and I am ready to greet him with love and tell him how much I have missed him and love him. I love him for who he is and what he stands for. So right now he is a bit lazy, but now I know he too will get through this on his own terms in his own way.
Thanks so much Shawni and all of you.
My son is also 15 (and my oldest child) and I have all of the same worries. How in the world will he even get along in life?? He is a great kid, but sometimes he really baffles me. Thanks for your post. I really needed it and it has helped me a lot!
I appreciate this post. I have 5 kids, my oldest is the only boy, like your family. I worry about him constantly. I especially like what your mother-in-law said about a boy being as far away as he is from his mother. I know boys who just don't survive in the real world because their mom wasn't "there" growing up. We 4 sisters lost our 2 brothers to suicide. Our mom became a stranger in our home when we were teenagers, divorced and raised by our dad. Later, I realized she never bonded with us like other moms. This all makes me constantly on guard and sensitive to how I raise my only boy.
As a mom of 5 sons, this post is so true! Our boys are 22 (serving a mission), 18 (leaving for the MTC in Nov), 13, 10 and 4. I know the 'how is he ever going to survive if he can't even focus for 5 minutes?' feeling!! They really do outgrow it and it is so lovely to see them start to mature into the men they will become. I know not everyone who reads this is LDS, but a mission really does help 'finish them up' into what the Lord has in mind for them. As moms, we need to let Him have them to complete what we started and watch the magic happen. It's a lovely ride!!
Shawni, I just wanted to tell you that your blog is one of my very favorites to read. It is one that I click to first whenever I log on to my reader. I've been reading for about two years and you are such a genuine, humble inspiration and that is one of the reasons I love reading your thoughts and words so much. I don't have children yet, but I work with children with special needs and nanny in my spare time. Often I have come to use your adivce and parenting skills in my work. I'm thankful that I have found your blog. I just wanted you to know how wonderful you are and that in small ways you are making a big difference in the world. Thanks!
Hi Shawni,
I have a son who is now 22. Oh my goodness he tested the boundaries with us and his school. Many times we were called up to come visit his teachers but we were able to hold it together and he knew also what our expectations of him were too. Today I am so glad that we are through those testing years but today he is a gorgeous guy, hard working and taking courses to help better himself in his job. You just have to stay with them, love them, give them their space, watch them without them knowing (we all have eyes in the back of our heads), speak to other boys, be there for them, don't nag (that's the worse thing we can do) and hopefully they will be ok.
Dear Kerry, thank you so much for your comment. This is exactly what I thought when reading this post and the first comments – which I love, by the way. But still – boys/men do not need to support a family alone. There might be partners/wives who might want to work to support their family, too. And there might even be boys who, when they are grown, do not wish to have a family and may still lead a happy life. I still very much understand all the worries, but I just want to say that parents' visions of liefe might not be their children's. Anyway, Shani, thanky so much for this Q&A – so thought-provoking, as so many of your posts are. I love that!
Whenever I start to worry about this same stuff (I have 6 kids, 4 of them boys) I think back to when I was a teenager & what was going on in MY head at that age ……which wasn't much! I remember being totally flaky, irresponsible, motivated by very few things(definitely not motivated by anything my parents lectured me about), not trying too hard at school, doing the bare minimum, etc., etc. I'm sounding like the biggest loser! But, I grew up & turned out OK for the most part. So I try to remember this & cut them some slack……always save the relationship!
And don't be afraid of failures. Failures are good. That's how the best lessons are learned. Let your kids fail!!!
I just tried to search your blog for your entry titled "we do hard things". Your search option on your sidebar doesn't work. Would you repost this subject? I loved it……Thank you!!! Lynne Harris, Newport Beach, California.
I have a question for your Friday Q and A! (didn't see your email address or I would have written it there!)
I have two little boys, a newly 3 year old and 6 year old son with special needs (Down syndrome) – because of his special need, sometimes it feels that developmentally he's a bit more like my 3 year old and I have twins! I LOVE your idea of having the lesson part of Family Home Evening on Sundays and the activity on Mondays. I try to get in the habit of doing a quick lesson with the boys, but feel that because their attention span can definatly only be counted in minutes on one hand (sometimes just seconds it feels like!) I get frustrated that it's not worth the effort right now. Any advice from when your children were still in the very young stage? Any ideas that worked better than others or was it simply a matter of perserving? Thanks!!
As a mom with my oldest a 14 year old boy, this post was heaven sent. I worry so much about him. This post brings my mother heart so much peace. I have been pleading for guidance. I’m printing this to keep close by for reference. Thank you so much.