As my kids have grown older I often look back and wonder: Did we push for the extraordinary too much? Did we not push enough? What is the balance on that push?
Yes, my kids are now all “adults,” and my hands-on parenting has grown up along with them. But as I’ve said before, parenting is never really over. Each time my now-adult kids reach new hurdles, hardships, and are engulfed in sorrow OR joy, my heart is still attached to theirs. There is that tether of motherhood that will forever and always keep us connected.
Examining Parenting Practices
Through the years I have loved examining parenting. It’s been my biggest hobby, and I think so valuable as we figure out our own individual parenting space. What works uniquely for us. Because really, there is no true “right answer.”
But boy! We can sure learn from each other!
I remember living in China for a semester when all our kids were still home. I remember learning so much from the “Tiger” type of parenting I parented alongside. There is so much good and not-so-good in that. I have talked about this through the years so many times:
- What I Learned from “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”
- Do We Strive for Superior Motherhood?
- To Push or to Paise?
- What I Have Learned from Being Surrounded by Tiger Mothers in China
- Stories About Hard Work and Independence
In contrast, I think about the new “gentle parenting” approach and the pros and cons of that.
Are we compassionate in our parenting? Can too much compassion and gentleness actually harm our kids?
Finding the balance
Dave and I have evaluated over and over again working to find the balance between “push” and “praise.”
Grace and mercy.
Protectiveness and freedom.
Strictness vs. Permissiveness.
There is a “One Size Fits All” Answer
Overall it may seem that there is not a one-size-fits-all answer for what type of parenting is best. After all, we are all coming from looking at the world with our own individual lenses. We’ve all come from different backgrounds, we have different genes, and different theories on the world.
But I do believe there is a simple answer to it all.
And that is LOVE.
As my Grandpa said, and we all have memorized, “when a person practices love, everything else takes care of itself.” I believe that is so true!
Love Doesn’t Come in Only One Form
You may exhibit your on form of love through putting away your phone and being more present.
Your love may translate into setting a strict curfew and being sometimes too overprotective.
It could come from dance parties in the kitchen at night, or making your teenager walk to school when he doesn’t wake up to his alarm.
When we let go of our egos enough to infuse love into what we are doing, that is the answer.
Oh, it’s not simple. Because again, we all have so many different factors at work in our lives. Our kids do too.
But when we are present with our love, I believe all those differing parenting styles can come together for good. In all different ways.
A Beautiful Poem Encapsulating Love
All this thought in this post was spurred by this poem/quote my sister shared with me that I love so much:
Each thing in this poem is infused with love.
Love Pushes our Kids to Be Extraordinary
So is it true that our love is what pushes kids to be extraordinary.
I had never thought about that, but I believe it’s true.
May we all slow down and love more.
No matter what stage of parenting/mothering we’re in. No matter whether we are a natural “Tiger Mother” or we let “gentle parenting” rule. When we infuse love into our mothering, it has the power to produce extraordinary children.
It’s not just a simple thing. Because love is an action word.
Some intentional ways to help kids be extraordinary through your love:
I’d love to hear your ideas on other ways our love can transform our kids into extraordinary adults.
I know I’m biased, but I think my kids have turned out to be pretty extraordinary. Not because they are doing the most grand, amazing things. But because they are learning the beauty of kindling their own love for those around them. And for the world around them. They find tremendous joy in a budding plant or a beautiful sunset. They work to see the world from the perspectives of others. They have learned (and are still learning, along with the rest of us) to make the “ordinary” come alive in them, through love.
And that can do wonders in changing the world.
One thing I am learning and it’s hard is that unless you’re adult child ask for you opinions, specifically asks, then you should keep your mouth zipped.
How have you been able to do this with your adult children? Especially if you don’t agree?
Yes this is so hard! Especially when we see things from a different vantage point and want so much to share. But I have realized that leaning into and trying to understand *their* vantage points is, most of the time, much more important than sharing mine. I mean, they’ve lived with me their whole lives, they already know what I think. But do I know really what this new adult version of my child is thinking? Probably not. So I love the mantra to “get curious.” Not even necessarily asking curious questions, but being quiet enough to try to put myself in their shoes.
I do have to say that our adult kids, so far, do ask for a lot of advice. And I love that. But I always think about my own parents, specifically when I asked them for parenting advice. Without fail, when I would ask questions or advice, they would never preach. They just built me up and pointed out all the good things I was doing rather than lecturing or spilling out their “parenting expert” wisdom. That’s really stuck with me and I hope I can do it with my kids as well.
My favourite children’s author has said: „Give the children love, more love and still more love – and the common sense will come by itself.“ (that quote is from the official website, I find it interesting that in the official German version, it doesn’t say common sense, but good manners. It’s probably true for both. )
I have a parenting book on gentle parenting and in the beginning, it says that this might not be your style of parenting. Which is okay, because we all have different backgrounds and values. But to read it nonetheless, because you might take away snippets that work for your own, unique parenting way.
Oh I LOVE that about the “love, more love, and still more love.” THAT is what it’s all about! It’s not always easy, especially when our kids are making decisions so different from how we would do it. Some of their actions, to put it nicely (ahem…), are not overly thought-out. But love has a tendency to wait things out, and provide a healing balm in the long run.
Thanks so much for sharing!
xoxo