How to Build Relationships by Setting Boundaries

Sometimes as parents we think we need to give up boundaries in order to build relationships with our kids. But actually the opposite is true. I got this question a while back and I’ve been thinking about it lately:

My son is 4.5 years old. From the day he was born I decided I was going to be that mom.. the cool mom, that’s not only his mom, but his friend too. I thought It was a brilliant scheme. I mean, what mom doesn’t want to be the whole package? A few weeks ago though, I think it started to backfire. In his eyes I can tell that now he views us as equals and that he thinks doesn’t need to obey me unless I in return ‘obey’ him as well. He won’t do a chore unless I’m doing it too. At first I thought, ‘oh, he just loves to do things together’, but now Im realizing that’s not the case. He hardly listens to me or takes me seriously. I’m afraid I’ve dug a huge hole here. While trying to just be the ‘friend’ mom, have lost all control of him respecting and listening to me. WHAT DO I DO? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

What my parents did:

I always think about what my parents did when I come across questions like this. So this one made me ponder what made my growing-up relationship with my parents so great.  After much contemplation I’ve come to realize this:  

My parents were not “friends” with me growing up.  

Sure, I trusted them enough to tell them anything in the whole wide world I was worried about. And I felt safe as could be with them in every way.  So maybe in a way that is the best kind of friendship?

But we were not equals. They were always the authority…a benevolent “higher up.”

Because of that I respected them with all my heart and wanted to make them proud.  

It wasn’t that they were all high and mighty, actually quite the opposite. They were SO down to earth.  But we had set family rules with consequences for our actions when we stepped out of line. We totally helped make up these rules I have to say, so we had a natural buy-in. My parents even made up a song about them for crying out loud!

We knew our parents meant business about those things. They were diligent at following through with the consequences we had set together so we knew they meant business.  

Being Friends vs. Being Parents

What’s the difference? Being friends with our kids really isn’t the main goal as far as I’m concerned. That may sound out of fashion in this day and age. But I do think too often we are more hesitant to set too many boundaries for our kids. We, like the blog reader who sent this question, want to be their best friends.

It is a worthy goal, and that friendship will come naturally with time. But when kids are growing up what they actually need is boundaries and expectations from their parents. Someone to teach them how to manage day-to-day, to look out for others, to gain self-confidence, to contribute to the world. Followed up with all kinds of unconditional love.

Dave and I have sure tried over the years to follow my parent’s lead and do just that. We want them to have enough respect for us that they want to stay in line.  

Setting Boundaries with Love Builds Relationships

I think the connection with kids this reader is craving for comes from being there for them when they want to talk (like a friend), looking out for their best interests (like a friend), but most importantly, being consistent and not letting them get away with disrespect or out-of-line-ness (I think I just made up a new word), which is our job as parents.  

My sisters and I did a whole podcast on how to help kids WANT to behave. Throughout our discussion we realized there is a “secret sauce” for kids to have this desire: connection. When we truly connect with our kids they will morph from dragging their feet to behave to actually wanting to behave.

So, dear blog reader in the question above, I here to cheer you on as you work to set some serious boundaries.  “Family rules” are awesome.  Let that cute little boy of yours help you make them.  And let him help you come up with consequences too. Talk through how you want your home to feel and maybe even have him write up a poster of ideas you can work on together as a family.

For example, if you talk in a disrespectful tone you are calmly directed to the “job jar” to do an extra job.  (Oh how I loved that Job Jar!). Maybe let him know that you as the mom get the same consequence if you talk disrespectfully too! Another example, set up technology rules in your home. Discuss how you both think that should look and what makes sense. What is the end goal? Make sure you’re all on the same page.

Be Willing to Follow Through with Consequences

This is the most important part:  if you are not willing to follow through with whatever consequences you set together, don’t even try them.  

Because the key is in the follow through.  

Is it hard to make your child stay home from an event they are looking forward to?  SURE IT IS!  But if that’s the consequence you’ve come up with then you better follow through with it. Does it break your heart to take away a phone when your child takes it to their bedroom? You bet it is. It’s break-your-heart kind of hard. But it is the key.

As hard as it is, try not to put emotion into these consequences. This is something I’ve had to work really hard at over the years, because I’m horrible at. As parents sometimes we just have to be “durable objects” that help guide our children. Not ranting, raving lunatics trying to guilt-trip them into doing stuff. Been there, done that…a lot…and I know it doesn’t work…at all, right kids?? Ha!

Thank you for that question to make me think, dear blog reader.

I am sending you, and everyone else (including myself, because man alive, I’m still in the thick of this with this last one I tell you!) lots of love. May we all be patient with ourselves as we work to build that parenting connection full of love that will one day blossom into the most beautiful friendships.

XOXO

Please add your own ideas to help this mother if you have them. I think most of us have been in this spot before, am I right?

Other Posts with Ideas to Build Relationships:

• The Fighting Bench — this “fighting bench” may seem counterintuitive to “connection,” but man alive, I think when practiced in a home is can be the most amazing tool to create not only connection among siblings, but also with a parent who is force to zoom in and “see” those kids on that bench. Even for just a few minutes!
• “In the Arena” Help Kids Want to Behave Podcast Episode with my sisters
• 7 Motherhood Ideas I Love
• Parent-Child Interviews