I am often asked how Dave and I foster deeper discussions with our family. Conversations that are more meaningful and make us closer. The last time I was asked, I decided it would be a great subject for a blog post. I mean, I love to fill this space with things that make connection happen because I believe it’s so incredibly important, especially in this increasingly disconnected world.
I threw this question out on Instagram and one reader said she doesn’t want to pry into her kids’ lives. So I have to clarify that I’m not talking about the get-in-your-kids-business type of deep discussions.
I’m talking about the types of deeper discussions that help you forge deeper relationships with your family. Getting in deep enough to really “know” each other and create relationships that will last. Through the thick and thin that most certainly come in life.
Deeper discussions not only create connection, they help avoid misunderstandings, help us understand where each other are coming from, help us develop more empathy, and help us build respect.

Art by Caitlin Connolly
The Overall Key to Foster Deeper Discussions
We’re going to start with a big overarching idea which I think is the key to fostering deeper discussions, and then we’ll break it apart for the “hows.”
The short answer is love. And love unconditionally. When family members feel love they’re going to feel comfortable to go deeper.
This sounds easier than it actually is. Because it’s easy to jump in and correct, share your own opinion, put that look on your face that says without words, “what in the world are you thinking??” Am I right? I’m not talking about the “of course I love my family” kind of love. I’m talking about the digging deep, no judgement kind of love. Really knowing our kids and loving them for who they are, not for who we are waiting for them to become.
Love encompasses all the tips I want to share. So here we go with little parts that can practice making that love.
Be approachable
Last month Dave and I had the opportunity to listen to Father Gregory Boyle speak in person, and my eyes were wet with tears the whole time. He’s the one who wrote Tatoos on the Heart which is one of my all-time favorite books in the whole wide world. He has inspired me tremendously through his work. He is the founder of the world’s largest gang intervention and rehabilitation program and boy, he “sees” those gang members. And his love for them is tangibly apparent. The stories he shares just make me want me to be a better person. If you want to see love in action, watch this short video.
Ok sorry for that tangent, but I want everyone in the whole wide world to know this man and to benefit from his light. Needless to say I really looked forward to hearing him speak in person.
One beautiful thing among so many that he shared was this:
He talked about how people ask him HOW. How has he been able to reach and connect with so many gang members? How does he help them see the good in themselves and change their lives for the better?
And what he says in response to this question is that the question isn’t “how do you reach them?” The better question is “How can they reach you?”
Are you approachable?
Do you listen?
Do they feel your love?
I think these are the questions we need to ask first and foremost if we want to forge deeper discussions and relationships.
Create a Safe Environment
We all need to feel safe in order to discuss deeper. If you feel like what you add to a discussion is judged or not even considered or listened to, you are much less likely to share. I love that my parents always provided places I knew I could share any feelings or thoughts. Dave and I have worked to do the same. Sometimes those “safe places” happen because they are planned into routines.
Some places that create a safe environment for sharing and vulnerability:
- At the family dinner table.
- Parent/child “interviews” creates a space where kids can share anything. I love the story my friend shared with me a while back. Her son had been very despondent and melancholy and she couldn’t figure out why. But because there was built-in regular talking time he felt safe enough to share that a friend had shown him some pornography. He felt really uncomfortable but didn’t know how to bring it up and talk about it even though he and his mom had a good relationship. That “space” he knew would be coming was the perfect time to get it off his chest. And to admit it was interesting and he wanted to know more. What a perfect opportunity for a good discussion!
- Growing up we had family testimony meetings where it became natural for us to share vulnerabilities and things we were thinking about. Our parents shared them too. And it was once a month, built into our family.
I spoke at a conference once all about creating “places of security” and there are lots more tips and tricks to create a safe environment for sharing over there.
Listen
When we really listen kids feel heard. And they are more likely to share and ask and connect. Because it’s back to that safety and feeling “seen” when people really hone in on what we say. When people are truly curious about how we feel and what we’re thinking. I am sometimes awful at this so I’ve discovered two ways to practice better listening:
- Ask questions to be sure you’re understanding correctly. For example, “So what you’re saying is…” (There are so many great listening affirmations in one of my favorite parenting books, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk)
- Sometimes I’ll ask, “Do you want me to offer solutions or do you want me to just listen?” Most of the time kids just want to be listened to.
Ask Good Questions and Help Them do the Same
Good and deeper discussions for sure happen more readily when good questions are asked. And sometimes it’s tricky to come up with those great questions. So I love this little box of “Talking Points” we keep next to our dinner table to pull out every now and again. They usually get us started on a topic and the discussion takes off from there.
When we model asking good questions our kids/family are more likely to ask questions back. I love a tradition a friend told me they started in their relatively young family. They regularly gather their kids together and have something they call “ask away.” This is a set-aside time when their kids can ask them anything they want. From how they they got in trouble when they were kids to how they feel about politics, everything is fair game. I love this because it gives the kids such a great chance to learn to be curious.
And curiosity is such a beautiful thing when you’re working to build better relationships.
Also, it gives parents a great avenue to be more vulnerable. Which in turn will help kids do the same.
Create Space for Deeper Discussions
I love anything that creates space and also topics for deeper discussions. There are so many ways to do this that can be done with your family. Some ideas:
- Read the same book and discuss it. I LOVE my book club I’ve been in for so many years because discussing a book can help so many different thoughts and opinions come out. My kids are old enough that we’ve read a few books before we get together and have taken the time to have the kids lead discussions on different parts of the book.
- Read books together with your kids! There’s nothing better to promote discussions than when you read a book together and there are SO MANY good ones for kids!
- Podcast discussion group. During Covid my mom and sisters and I all listened to the same podcast and then gathered via Zoom to discuss. Another way to connect on a deeper level.
- My parents hold a “fortnightly” Zoom meeting with our whole family. People take turns coming up with a topic, which is usually based on an article or a podcast, and anyone who is available joins in to share their thoughts.
A Couple Disclaimers
There are some families where discussions come easier, and some more difficult and that’s ok! Some kids don’t want to open up and others are an open book. If you want to get deeper with your family, be patient. And remember the most important thing is back at the beginning of this post. Love.
It’s always the answer.
Phew! I had more to say about that than I thought I did! And I’ll probably have more to add after we record our In the Arena podcast I’m leading about this next week.
But I’d love to know the tips and tricks of others too. I know there are so many great ideas out there! Please share how you and your family foster deeper discussions in your neck of the woods!
I will be looking forward to this podcast episode for sure! Love fostering connections and discussions and creating safe spaces to do so. I would add that a key element for me….and maybe this can be very similar to love….is trust.