I.W.A.N. (That’s what I have decided to refer to my craving for short.)

I just can’t help it.

My arms are itching to snuggle one close to me.

My ear is twitching to hear one breathing softly in my ear while curled up in a little ball on my shoulder.

I want to feel that velvety soft wrinkly skin with that hint of softer than soft downy fuzz covering it.

I want to drink in that perfect smell they have.

I want to look into those newborn eyes and wonder at what they’re remembering.

I want to watch those little newborn stretches.

And yes, I even want to hear that sweetest ever newborn cry.I love how they fling their arms wide open when they hear a loud sound.

I love the sounds they make when they’re eating.

I love the satisfied, limp, drunken state they get in when they’re done.

I love those teeny feet.

I love nighttime feedings…alone with them bathed in the dim light coming from the cracked open closet, snuggling them close.

Yes, I could go hold someone else’s baby, and yes, every newborn is amazing. Holding other newborns helps.

But the problem is that it’s not the same with someone else’s baby.

It’s just different when it’s MY baby…part of me. It gives me that feeling that I can almost feel my own heart beating in that tiny chest because I’m so in love.

Don’t worry honey, I know we’re done. I know that it’s exactly what’s right for us to have five kids and to stop there. I know that we’ve got our hands more than full and that it’s going to take more work than we ever can even realize to raise these kids how we want to, and to spread ourselves thin enough for all their needs. And yes, I’m totally loving their older selves just as much as I loved those newborn stages.

So why does it still make me cry that I had to throw away all our old baby bottles the other day when I was in clean-out mode?

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  1. Hi there,

    I’m sort of a blog fan of yours. 🙂 Don’t know you but really like all the parenting books your Mom wrote. 🙂 You seem like such a creative, fun-loving Momma.

    I know what you mean about craving the newborn stage. It’s really tough, but also so sweet and something you can never get back once it’s over. It’s bittersweet once you’ve decided you are finished having kiddos!

    -Liz MacAskill

  2. Shawni- I had to check out your blog. I totally know what you mean about a newborn. My twins just turned 3 and I sort of am sad that we’re done and there won’t be any more babies. I know it would probably put me over the top if I had another one, but I sometimes get sad too! You’re not alone!

  3. I know the feeling all too well and your tender description of having a new baby just surfaces all those feelings for me even more. I am welling up reading this. Just wish it was the right time. The pictures are beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Oh, I hear you loud and clear!!! We have been trying for two plus years … and as you know we are now on the adoption journey! I have never been more baby hungry in my life! The newborn stage is truly amazing in every way!!

    Love reading all your posts …

  5. Shawni, what a sweet post. I feel the same way about newborn babies. It’s so hard to say goodbye to that stage of life. I tried my best to cherish it all but it just goes so fast!

  6. I hear you on that one. I love newborns. Love love love them.. I tried to slow this one down so I could drink it all in and enjoy it. but of course time flies and here I am 5 months later and my newborn is fat, chubby and acting all grown up on me. I love his new stage, but sad to know that that he is out of the newborn stage, espcially since we have no born kids planned for this family. We are all full and complete. Maybe someday we can work at hospital as a volunteer and just hold newborns.. wouldn’t that be awesome!!!

  7. I’m sorry we did not talk more about this today. I wish I would have read your blog before we had lunch because I needed to be a better listener! Sorry!

    Are those pictures of Lucy? I can’t remember all of that hair!

  8. Just as my newborn is not a newborn anymore…I told Steve last night I want another one…and this one is only 4 months old! I think I know that since she is number 3, we are closer to the end of having kids than the beginning and I am desperately trying to cling to every moment with her that I can.

  9. I felt all of those thoughts until two weeks ago when I thought I was maybe going to have one of those. 🙂

    I’m not… Phew. but just thinking i was pregnant made me realize I don’t want to be.

    Yet, anyway…

  10. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away! It is such a special bond we feel with those little ones. The next best thing to that will be when our children have children. I am looking forward to that day. I don’t want my kids to grow up to fast but it is something to look forward to it in the future.

  11. Hopefully this will help me drink in this little newborn coming in 6 weeks….it’s hard for me to enjoy it in the moment….thanks for the perspective Shawn….and know that you are more than welcome to come and visit and hold and get up in the night with this little guy once he arrives in Nov.

  12. I want another newborn too. But only if a nanny comes with it. 🙂 So sweet Shawni. CarolLynn gave me a good idea once…take pictures of all of the cute stuff and keep it in an album. Then you can throw out all of the baby stuff but still have memories.

  13. Honestly, after looking at your incredible newborn pictures, I think ANYONE would be baby hungry. You can almost smell them and feel their velvet skin just by looking at the photographs. These are priceless images. Sadly, they just don’t stay small for long!!

    And while I do not comment on your blog everyday, I think I read it daily. I love your insights, thoughts and perspective on life. It’s a great pick me up every day.

    It was great to read your comment today. I do really love my boys school. It’s a public school that is just down the street from us. We had heard about it when we were moving to Lexington and it’s the reason we bought our home. We only looked at houses in the boundaries. My boys all have the same teachers as last year because they do combo classes for the lower primary kids. They have K/1st mix and then a 2nd/3rd grade mix. This means you have about 12 kindergartners in a class and 12 1st graders. You have the same teacher for 2 years. They also have teams of 3 teachers that have the same homework/field trips ect. My twin boys do not have the same teacher, but are on the same team of teachers. These 3 classes will group all the students (about 75 kids) based on ability for reading, spelling and math. This allows them to have lower and higher levels and focus on their needs. I think it’s amazing. I was (in a previous life before kids) a school teacher and had never seen it done like this.

    Also, it was so nice for my boys to not have the first day of school jitters worrying about a new teacher and making new friends when the children are so young. They eased right back knowing half of their class would be the same. Anyway, that was a long answer, but it gives you an idea.

    Also, I have a good friend from Louisville (Julie Martinez) that moved to Arizona about 2 years ago. She was really good friends with Nichole Barney from BYU. Nichole grew up across the street from my husband in Provo. Though I have not met Nichole, I met her parents at dinner in Provo at Magleby’s last Christmas. It goes to show what a small world we live in- at least when you blog and you are LDS. I always think it’s interesting to make connections.

    I hope your rib is feeling better. That is rough stuff. I think a massage is a necessity ASAP! Get better soon. I’m sure little darling Lucy couldn’t bear to go without her ultimate ‘pack and play’ friend unable to lift her for too long. Though I am guessing the pain doesn’t stop you one bit. Nope. You can’t stop a mom. Ever.

  14. So after I posted my (massive) comment I read down your list and spotted Matt and Julie. Oh man. I can’t believe she commented and I just happened to write about her today. I’m laughing. Perfect timing. I love Julie. She’s a whirlwind of energy and fun. I miss her. All my friends seem to be moving away west. We might just have to check out AZ in a few years. Lots, and lots of amazing people seem to live there….

  15. Shawni I went through the same thing the other day. We had a yard sale and I was putting out all Sienna’s baby clothes and it was making me so sad. When people would buy it I almost wanted to run after and say sorry that isn’t for sale. I know it’s silly and I need to make room for her other clothes but it is sad. I agree!

  16. Five and done.
    Oh man, I feel your pain (and longing).
    [And also your contentment and love of the new older and in-between stages…It’s all so good–it’s hard and exciting, all at the same time, to move on to the next stages.]

  17. Oh man Shawni, you are your mother’s daughter! I’m soooo lucky that your dad let me get away with snuggling nine of those little cherubs! There’s nothing quite like the petal soft cheek of a newborn babe except maybe watching them talk to the angels they’ve just left in heaven! Mom

  18. I have the same weekly dilemma Shawni. My baby just turned one and the year flew by. I miss the smell, the snuggles, the yawns, etc. You are so lucky to have taken those pictures. Let me know if you ever ware Dave, down…maybe it will work on my husband. 🙂

  19. Shawni:
    First of all want to say, we watched Baby Mamma last night, dumbest show, but seriously couldn’t stop crying when the girl had her baby. It’s such a great chapter, I don’t think I will ever feel completely satisfied being done…
    Secondly, I know I am going photoshop wild, but am enjoying all the things I learned in your class. Thanks for the great class! Wish I lived closer to take more classes…

  20. Really, you should go spend a day in labor and delivery.
    Not only do you get to hold the newborns — but you’re also reminded of how much WORK they are… and forever. 🙂

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