I.W.A.N. stands for I Want A Newborn.

And although I have come to grips with five children being enough, it doesn’t take away the ache in my heart for a newborn every once in a while…like when I see one. I imagine that sweet thing curled up on my shoulder and it takes my breath away for a minute. Or when I hear one crying (I’m sorry but newborn cries are about the cutest thing in the entire world). Or when I look around at my children and notice that they have all become giants.

There are two things in my house that keep my heart wishing for another newborn: 1) a little bottle of Johnson & Johnson’s baby shampoo under the sink in my bathroom, and 2) a teeny, tiny pair of newborn socks mixed in with my own socks.

I don’t know why they ended up there, but I can’t seem to get rid of them when I come across them.

It doesn’t make me sad to see them there, all lonely out of use. Instead it fills my heart with wonder that I got to do that. I got to have five of those miracles in my care. I got to bring them home from the hospital with me and drink in that sweet newborn scent. I got to watch them stretch and “talk to the angels” that were still so close to them. I got to watch them learn to coo and smile and laugh and gradually turn into these five children I adore with my heart spilling over.

I love newborns…and I love the people they become.

And I love that I got to hold my brother’s newborn all weekend (above).


  1. Oh, I've got it BAD! I am so grateful for my five, as well, but I think some of us are just born with that need to care for little tiny babies. If I could have more, I totally would! And I don't know if that will ever really go away.

    I've told my husband to be prepared, because later? Dozens and dozens!! 🙂

  2. I saw your blog on "I'm a Mormon" and instantly fell in love! You have the most Beautiful family! I hope to someday be a mother like you. This is something I needed to hear today. My baby has not been sleeping and it has made me one cranky person. Thanks for helping me remember that I am lucky to have a newborn right now and it goes away all to quickly and a few nights with no sleep isn't so bad!

  3. I like your acronym and must say that I may just steal it, because I too want a newborn. Someday I'm sure I'll be blessed with another one but until then…I.W.A.N. Thanks for the uplifting post. I have a hard time explaining my feelings like that, but when I read the words that come from others, it just makes sense. Thank you.

  4. So can relate, a friend just had a baby, and it makes me want one. And we are done, so I get that feeling even though you are happy with what you have.
    The only thing I fault newborns with is they don't stay little for long enough for me:)

  5. Me too! My youngest is 8 and I have been wanting another since he was a year. My husband feels he is done, I am not. I have accepted his decision, but it doesn't make it any easier…some days I think I have him convinced…just one more. A dear friend just had a newborn, her children are the same age as mine..she finally convinced her husband it was time for one more..there is hope. Maybe.

  6. awwwwwwwwwwwwww yes I now think IWAN after you mentioned it on here. I had just had my 4th baby and was back in the ward and already telling my hubby I wasn't done yet and would definitely want number 5. My problem is 4 in 4 1/2 years means it's pure crazy around here but I haven't put the idea of baby number 5 to bed yet.

    this picture is gorgeous, it just shows how much you are in love with that bundle of joy! Soak it up


  7. I told my husband I had this the other day. I know we are done and I a happy with my 3, but I just want a newborn to snuggle with every once in a while.

  8. oh man, I was hoping that the iwan goes away at some point! I have three little ones and that longing for another one is getting stronger and stronger each and every day. I actually went and read your post about how you had to beg your husband for 2 years before you guys had another. We are just about to that point…maybe, just maybe, I'll get to have that newborn experience one last time.

  9. So precious … I am somewhat the opposite. I don't think I want another newborn, but I would have no problem being pregnant again. As I linked onto your blog from mormon.org I was reminded how small of a world this really is when I saw the picture with Saren. I attended The Power of Moms retreat in Dana Point back in September.

  10. IWAN too!!
    I am so thankful for my two and so thankful that we still have more to come-hopefully!
    Your children are beautiful, I love your blog & photography.

  11. This is so tricky for me! I am pregnant with #5 (due in 2 1/2 months) and while I know my husband wants to be done, something tells me there's another spirit waiting to be a part of our family. We will have 5 kids 7 and under, so we've got our work cut out for us!

    But it's hard to believe that my child bearing years may be over after this little one arrives. Really tough.

  12. Ditto. I have a dear friend who used to be a foster mother for LDS Social Services. She lived in a state that had a 3 week waiting period for newborn placements. When a newborn came up for adoption within LDSSS, they had to have a foster home for it for 3 weeks. So, every 3 weeks for months and months, she would say good-bye to one newborn, and bring home another one. She said it was exhausting, but she loved every minute of it, and she has some amazing stories.

    I'm trying to figure out how I can get a job like that.

  13. I think you summed it up wonderfully. I too have 5 kiddos, and I am done. My youngest is 16 months old and I am excited for the next stage. I will miss being pregnant, and having a newborn. So we just got a puppy instead 😉

  14. I had #5 last April and am soaking in every moment of his babyhood because this is it for us. It is going by way too fast. I can't imagine my home without a baby in it. That being said it is kind of exciting to be done with the having babies and moving on to the raising of the children….

  15. My accronym would be IWA6MO (I want a 6 month old)! 🙂 Well, 6 month old and older. Jimmy is 7 months and I can't get enough. Can't wait for my next 6 month old!!!

  16. found your blog and I totally like your blog. You have 5 beautiful children and I have signed up to follow your blog. Read about Lucy but I have yet to understand however may be I will have to read more…
    May God bless you.

  17. At 18, I've just started getting a touch of I.W.A.N.
    I'm so excited that I still get to have my babies some day. I'd love to have five like.

    I'd no way be able to handle a baby right now… And of course, I'm not married.
    But it can't stop me wishing, right? (:

  18. I have little things I can't get rid of either…well, actually I have an entire attic full of things! You know how I feel! I love that photo of you and Saren and that sweet baby.

  19. I just have one(homeschooled 10 yr old country boy)even though I had a very rough pregnancy I still keep going through this as well.It never goes away,sometimes it is worse and others I beg hubby to let it happen.He is worried for my health and financial area.He Loves Me,,Maybe it is meant to be and maybe not.
    I just hate that whole part that I am taking birthcontrol BC that is how I was raised.I don't know how to just let go of the fact that God knows if you should or shouldn't???HOw and WHy does he let teens have babies and then the poor babies that get that in the dumpster(this has been on our news and I cried BC I would loved that child in my arms)

    I am NOT trying to stir any religious debate I am just trying to understand.
    I wasn't raised in a religious family,totally opposite actually BUt hubby and I are trying to raise our son RIGHT.
    THANKS and sorry for highjacking this.

    I LOVE YOUR BLOG,I check it twice a day.

  20. Oh Shawni…I have a bad case of it too. I recently lost a 2nd trimester pregnancy completely out of the blue and it has been so so hard. We really felt like we were supposed to have a baby and wanted it so bad. I hope that I can either have one more someday or have that feeling go away!

  21. I never have felt this before, until now. I do not really enjoy other peoples babies, just mine. Now that my last is 7 months old, I am almost mourning each stage knowing it will never be here again. Amelia is crawling, and pulling herself up, and has teeth. She is doing things faster than any of my other ones and I want her to just stop it. I love every single minute of it…hard baby and all. Miss talking to you.

  22. Boy can I relate! I swore I was done with #4. Then I convinced my hubby to let me have #5. Well, I had a miscarriage with severe complications. 🙁 I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am done–at age forty. I just wish I could have enjoyed my baby (who is four now) more–I "knew" he was my last, but I was called to be the Relief Society Pres when I was 8m pregnant with him. It was a wonderful and growing experience that I wouldn't trade, but I was so busy–and released from the calling when he was almost four. Where did those four years go?? Sigh..it is so sad sometimes when they grow up.

  23. Oh I so struggle with this still. My baby is only 1 but I don't totally know that we are done yet either but age, finances, other complications make me wonder if I get to have another one! Your descirptions of newborns makes me want to have one right now!

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