Now that Dave and I are empty nesters, it’s a strange thing looking back from this vantage point. I find myself asking: did we do enough? Not enough activities or opportunities, but did we do enough of the right things. Did we make our kids’ lives too easy when what they needed was for us to make them better? And how do you actually raise resilient kids without either hovering or checking out entirely?
I used to think the best thing I could do for my kids was smooth the path ahead of them. I was wrong.
The Temptation to Make Life Easier
During my gathering with my sister-in-laws and mother-in-law a few months ago I brought up a question I had been holding in my heart. It was from a quote I had come across recently while reviewing a book called The Tech Wise Family:
“We will have to teach our children, from early on, that we are not here as parents to make their lives easier but to make them better.“
My question was how? How do we make our kids’ lives better rather than easier? These days, even as empty nesting parents, it’s just so tempting (and easy!) to coddle and make our kids’ lives easier! We don’t want our kids to suffer through things we could so easily help with. So we work to wrangle the wind mistakenly thinking that’s what will help our kids fly.
But sometimes we forget to realize that it’s that very wind that will help our kids develop the inner strength they need to succeed.
Around the same time I came across an article that has also been running through my mind. It’s called Our Kids are the Least Flourishing Generation We Know Of. It stopped me because every parent I know is genuinely trying to raise resilient, capable kids — and yet something isn’t working.
The answer was interesting to think about. There is such a thing as too much coddling — too much paving the way that kids need to muscle through on their own. The article made the point that a parent is a home base, not a guide on the trail. When kids feel securely attached at home, they’re more likely to go off and explore.
And that’s where the real growth happens.
Not beside us. Away from us.
Which means sometimes the most loving thing we can do is step back.
What “Better” Actually Looks Like
As I mentioned, this was my main question with my sister-in-laws and mother-in-law when we got to gather in Newport back in March and I loved their insight.
Those are some wise women right there!
I loved that my mother-in-law shared a story about how when she was young her older brother told her she may not be able to keep up her good grades in high school. I mean, high school wasn’t messing around, he claimed, and she should be prepared for the “tough stuff.” He made a deal with her that he’d pay her a dollar for every A she got, but that she had to pay him a dollar every time she didn’t get an A. Without knowing it at the time, her brother was giving her a gift. He was helping her gradually shift her “locus of control” from external sources being responsible for how she did in school to an inner drive to put in the work to learn and grow.
My sister-in-law shared a thought about how every time we give our kids something (monetarily, physically, etc.) we are actually taking something away.
Now that’s really interesting to think about, right?
We talked about the gift we give our children when we teach them financial literacy and give them responsibilities.
And then step away. Let them deal with natural consequences. Even when it is hard for us, whether our self-esteem as parents or the pain of watching our kids go through hard things.
Shifting the Locus of Control
When we let our kids shift from external sources telling them what to do to their own internal convictions (changing their locus of control), we give them space to build confidence. This shift — from external to internal motivation — might be the most underrated tool we have for raising resilient kids.
Phrases like these help:
- “You have all the tools you need to get this done.”
- “I believe in you!”
- “Your unique talents are sure going to help you through this!”
- “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” (this lets THEM take the initiative instead of letting us tell them what we think should be done).
Setting Up Expectations Early
A lot of this starts young, in the simple ways we teach kids responsibility and independence.
I wrote recently about a study that showed the single most important indicator for whether adult children would become successful was that kids were given responsibilities at an early age. When kids are given the chance to be assigned something and expected to follow through and finish it, they gain incredible self esteem.
Here are some of the things I’m so glad our family incorporated at an early age.
Saturday job expectations
We set up a clear system for family chore expectations and stuck to it through the years. The other day I was talking to Dave about this, and he was praising his mom. She took the time out to really train him and his siblings on household chores, expected excellence, and took time to hold them accountable for finishing. What a gift that was!
Tutors and Tutees
Another way to make our kids’ lives better is to expect them to not only help with the house, but to help out with their siblings. Growing up, my parents established a “tutor and tutee” system where we were each assigned to each other. We looked out for each other and in doing so not only learned responsibility, but developed deeper, more lasting relationships. So grateful for that idea that made it’s way into Dave and my family as well.
Letting Kids Do Hard Things
This is easier said than done — I know that firsthand. Here are a few moments from our own family that taught me more about this than any parenting book:
- What I learned from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn — a book that cracked something open in me about letting kids sit with hardship instead of rescuing them from it.
- Lucy’s college prep for the blind — watching our daughter navigate something genuinely hard, without us fixing it, was one of the most difficult and beautiful things we’ve experienced as parents.
- Max’s summer internship — the summer he really started to do the work of figuring out who he was, mostly because we stayed out of the way.
- Dropping off Claire at a volleyball camp alone — she didn’t get a roommate and didn’t know anyone at her summer volleyball camp, but came out glowing in the end
Each of these stories is different, but the thread running through all of them is the same: we gave them the tools, then trusted them to use those tools on their own.
Here’s what I’ve come to believe, on this side of parenting:
We connect with our kids in the wrong ways when we do things for them to feel close. The connection they actually need is knowing they have our full love and belief from the sidelines — while they do the hard thing themselves.
The Two Greatest Gifts We Can Give
After all these years, this is what I keep coming back to: when we give kids that space to step out into, we give them two of the most powerful gifts a parent can offer:
Confidence that they can do hard things independently.
A strong, rooted sense of who they are.
That’s what we’re really building, all those years. Not an easier life for them — a better one.
Letting them step out on their own and staying back to cheer from afar.
And back to my original question as to whether Dave and I did enough? Well, we certainly didn’t do it perfectly, all of my kids will testify of that. And the verdict is still out as to whether the hard things we pried ourselves away from paving for them panned out. But we gave it our best as we tried to walk that fine line between giving our kids the tools to become independent and letting them go.
Looking back I’m just so glad we weren’t afraid to let the wind do it’s work to mold and strengthen our kids.
I love this picture of “Little Max,” stepping away with that smile. This is what confidence looks like before kids even know the word.
You’ve given me so much to think about here! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom