How do you deal with things when you’re ‘dropping the ball’ causes another person to be annoyed? …The problem is that I then tend to go into a bit of a tailspin of trying to do everything ‘properly’ which of course isn’t possible and doesn’t do anything to help me get my priorities right (“No children, I can’t talk to you because I promised to do XYZ”). How do you reconcile the reality that not being able to ‘do it all’ will often irritate other people?
The Pickle Jar Analogy
If you try to fill up your jar with big rocks first, you can fit in smaller rocks and sand in without much problem. The smaller rocks just filters into the gaps. But if you try to fit those big rocks in afterthe sand and gravel you’ll find they just won’t fit. The big rocks have to go first.
In life we can choose what those big rocks are. If we let them be the fluff then the important stuff will never fit. But if the big rocks we choose to always put first are our families and our faith, other things will fit in as we allow them.
Because I am a “pleaser,” I too worry about “dropping the ball” all the time. I don’t want to put anyone out, and I certainly don’t want anyone to get their feelings hurt. But I have wizened up over the years and realized that I will NEVER be able to please everyone.
No matter what I do.
Finding the Balance to manage priorities Isn’t Easy!
Now, I’m not going to pretend that this is easy. I hate to have people mad at me or to think that I may have unknowingly done something to make someone feel bad. But I feel so much more calm these days when I remind myself that some of those things I worry and wring my hands about aren’t the big rocks. Sure, I want to do them. I want to bring dinner to everyone and their dog who needs help and I want to take tennis lessons with a friend who asks and I want my house to be spic-and-span at every moment. Those are worthy goals, right? But sometimes those don’t fit into my “big rock” category and I have to let them slide. And with that, I have to be ok with the consequences even if they cause others to be “annoyed.” Because as much as I wish I could “do it all,” I can’t.
So we have to choose our rocks. We have to manage our own priorities. No one can do it for us.
And at first thought it may seem like everything is a rock. We so want to do it all! But I’m trying to be prayerful and meditate as I work to decipher what is most important. Because the trick is that no one can choose for us. We have to dig deep to figure it out.
I think sometimes as moms we don’t feel like we should be allowed to draw boundaries around ourselves and our families (at least I do…and I have to remind myself over and over again that it’s ok to slow down). We take on the world and then we are burning the candle at both ends and things start to fall apart.
I know this from first hand experience.
So I’m trying to adopt Dave’s sister’s new family motto: “Chill.”
I love that!
Sending love to everyone as we all try to make space for the all-important big rocks in our pickle jars.
One more fun question of the day:
Is it just me or is your son the new spider man? Looks just like him! The whole time I kept wondering “why does that guy look so familiar?” It dawned on me that I’ve been looking at so many pictures of your India trip and that’s where the familiarity hit!
People do bring up that resemblance a lot especially now that Max’s hair is longer. Maybe we should buckle down and actually go see that movie:)
Shawni,
I've been reading your blog for a while now and wanted to let you know how much I appreciate posts like this. I grew up with a very loving mother but she was a single parent from the time I was 9 and struggled to raise us right. I think she did great considering the circumstances and want to emulate some things she did, but there are things I know I would like to do differently, but I'm not always sure how. Your blog has given me so many great ideas to add to my parenting toolbox.
I know you are really grateful for your wonderful parents and I think it's great that you are paying it forward by passing along great advice an encouragement on this blog for those of us who didn't have those same examples. I know it must be stressful sometimes in your busy life, but I'm really grateful you do it.
And now this comment is epic. Over and out!
I share Anna's feelings (although my mother was not a single mom). Thank you for taking the time to write posts like these. I have bought many of your parents books and they have been a blessing in my life in the past few years.
Your family is inspiring in many ways.
Giulia
Shawni,
I really enjoyed and needed to read this post today. Hoping to email you some thoughts/questions I had. Could you please send me your email address, I don't see it listed here? Thanks so much!!
sepphotography at gmail dot com
Max is more handsome!