When Dave and I got married we had two surviving Grandparents between the two of us: my two grandmas.

One passed away shortly after we got married and oh how much I miss that dear lady.

The other passed away on Thursday. 

When I got the news between doctor appointments in Wisconsin my heart was so heavy with missing her.  I have “missed” the real “her” for years as her memory has gradually deteriorated into dust and she hasn’t been able to remember us.  But her heart was still there, warm and compassionate with a big smile even though she had to ask who we were intermittently throughout any conversations we had.  The love she still shared was palpable.  Perhaps even more-so than when she was “here.” 

But when my mom told me she had slipped comfortably away oh how I wished I could grab her and bring her back. 

Even just for a minute. 

And tell her how much I loved her and how much I have learned from her and how her life has taught me more than she could ever know.  Did I ever look deep into her eyes and tell her how grateful I am she gave me my Dad with all his loveable quirks and wisdom?  Grandma Great-0828Did I ever sincerely thank her for how the Joy School program has changed me?  And changed each of my children?  And other children all over the world?  Did she really feel the love and admiration I had for her bravery for raising all those children alone after her husband died so young and left her a widow over fifty years ago?  Will my children be able to remember her? 

Will Elle remember how she would read her books?00181_n_8ablnh9hs3682

And that she made her, and each of her sisters, beautiful “dancing dresses?”01265_n_8ablnh9hs3614
Would Max remember she spoke at his baptism?2005-07-08 Eyrealm Reunion 259
I want Lucy to know she was cool enough to let her suck her fingers…2006-1-3 Tenille's wedding 567
…and I hope Claire will somehow have a shimmer of a memory of the love she felt in moments like this:2006-1-3 Tenille's wedding 570
I hope they will all remember sleepovers at her well-though-out house:2007-08-01 new 5500
…and sitting on the front porch.2007-08-01 new 55042011-07-15 Bear Lake 33603
Will I be able to pass on to them at least a portion of what she has taught me?

I hope so.

She has been ready to go for years and years.  She missed that late husband of hers she adored so much.  I don’t blame her.  He is one of the first people I want to meet in Heaven.  Whenever I hear stories about him there is this strangely huge amount of love that washes over me.  All of her siblings have passed away.  Most of her friends are gone.  I know that reunion up in Heaven must be glorious.  I’m happy she got to leave this life that was dark to her and that she didn’t understand anymore.

But I still miss her.
2008-05-02 Utah 0036

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  1. Hi Shawni,
    I just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you & your family at this difficult time. Even with the gospel losing a loved one is really hard.

    When my Nan died 25 years ago people kept telling me where she was & how she was out of her pain etc, I didn't want to know that. I wanted her with me, not somewhere faraway. In-fact, I start getting angry when people started telling me where she was & comfort ate as I wasn't able to express my feelings.

    That was a lovely tribute to your Grandma. I often read about her on your Mum's blog & it always touched me.

    Take care & I will remember you & your family at this difficult time. X

  2. I'm so very sorry for your loss. What an incredible woman she was!! You don't have to worry….it looks like your kids will have all kinds of memories of her! Prayers to you all.

  3. Shawni, I am so sorry to hear of your families loss. Our prayers are with you guys! She is with her creator now and in no more pain(I know that doesn't make the loss any easier).

  4. So sorry for your loss. My grandpa passed away on Friday morning.. He has had a lot of pain for a while but I feel the same way… wish I could bring him back and just talk a little longer.

  5. oh I'm so sorry for you and your family right now. Grandmas and grandparents are so special. I know she'll be watching you all from heaven

    take care and think of all of the happy memories that you have with herxx


  6. What a wonderful tribute. She sounds like such a sweet, strong and loving woman.

    I am sure her passing is bitter sweet for you. You and your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Beautifully written. I am so sorry for your family's loss, but am grateful for the reunion she has experienced. Thank you for sharing.

    Praying for you and your family in your grief.

  8. my grandma has been gone for almost 14 years. I miss her every single day! My heart goes out to you and your family. I know you will miss her, but how happy she is now. We can take joy in knowing that. My prayers are with you and your family. lots of hugs…..

  9. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Although the circumstances of her passing don't take away the sadness, I hope that you are able to find some comfort in the Gospel and the words that were spoken today. All the best and please know that you and your family are in my prayers.

  10. Just wanted to say I'm thinking about you and your family. We never, never stop missing our loved ones but OH how glorious that day will be when we meet up again. My heart and my prayers are with you and your family.

  11. You can never fully be prepared for a loss like this. I just lost my dear Grandma a few weeks ago. I can totally relate to your post, and it comforted me. It sounds like her legacy will still live on! Sorry to hear, and you'll be in my prayers.

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