One passed away shortly after we got married and oh how much I miss that dear lady.
The other passed away on Thursday.
When I got the news between doctor appointments in Wisconsin my heart was so heavy with missing her. I have “missed” the real “her” for years as her memory has gradually deteriorated into dust and she hasn’t been able to remember us. But her heart was still there, warm and compassionate with a big smile even though she had to ask who we were intermittently throughout any conversations we had. The love she still shared was palpable. Perhaps even more-so than when she was “here.”
But when my mom told me she had slipped comfortably away oh how I wished I could grab her and bring her back.
Even just for a minute.
And tell her how much I loved her and how much I have learned from her and how her life has taught me more than she could ever know. Did I ever look deep into her eyes and tell her how grateful I am she gave me my Dad with all his loveable quirks and wisdom? Did I ever sincerely thank her for how the Joy School program has changed me? And changed each of my children? And other children all over the world? Did she really feel the love and admiration I had for her bravery for raising all those children alone after her husband died so young and left her a widow over fifty years ago? Will my children be able to remember her?
Will Elle remember how she would read her books?
And that she made her, and each of her sisters, beautiful “dancing dresses?”
Would Max remember she spoke at his baptism?
I want Lucy to know she was cool enough to let her suck her fingers…
…and I hope Claire will somehow have a shimmer of a memory of the love she felt in moments like this:
I hope they will all remember sleepovers at her well-though-out house:
…and sitting on the front porch.
Will I be able to pass on to them at least a portion of what she has taught me?
I hope so.
She has been ready to go for years and years. She missed that late husband of hers she adored so much. I don’t blame her. He is one of the first people I want to meet in Heaven. Whenever I hear stories about him there is this strangely huge amount of love that washes over me. All of her siblings have passed away. Most of her friends are gone. I know that reunion up in Heaven must be glorious. I’m happy she got to leave this life that was dark to her and that she didn’t understand anymore.
But I still miss her.