I keep thinking about the developmental psychology class I took a while back that explored the “Attachment Theory.” I learned about the preciousness of predictability in parenting. When kids don’t have to be worried about how a parent will react, they can grow so much better into their true selves.

The tricky thing with that is that parenting itself is not necessarily predictable! We can’t guess when our toddler is going to be sprawling on the ground throwing a tantrum. There’s no barometer as to when our teenager is going to make a really dumb decision we have no idea how to handle.

But with some effort, we can build predictability into our family structures. A few ideas as to how:

There is so much beauty in “being there” and creating safe places for our children to grow and “become.”

It is no cakewalk with all the distractions going on in this world of ours, I can attest to that for sure.

But there are so many little things we can do that really are the big things.

Notes on Predictability

I took notes on this quote and have thought about it a lot ever since my class:

And when children live in an environment that is relatively responsive and predictable, where there’s a sense of security and safety, it promotes the development of healthy brain architecture. It promotes the development of a healthy immune system. And also the development of healthy cardiovascular function and metabolic regulatory systems. [These in turn] create a strong foundation for lifelong health and effective development.

In contrast, when children grow up in an environment of constant, threat, constant burdens, heavy burdens that influence everyday function, the stress system is activated excessively. It produces what we call toxic stress. That disrupts the development of brain circuits during their critical periods. It disrupts the cardiovascular system. It disrupts the immune system and creates the foundation for a greater risk for a whole host of physical and mental health problems and difficulties and learning.

“It all comes down to a very simple message, which is early experiences literally shape our biology, create either a strong or a weak foundation for all the health, learning, and behavior that follow for a lifetime.”

Systems of Predictability

I love thinking about those systems of predictability. Whether they are tucking our child in bed each night with a bedtime story, a prayer huddle before they leave for school, or that beautiful “welcoming response” when they come into a room.

Our predictability doesn’t have to be complicated! We don’t have to beat ourselves up if we’re not doing things perfectly. Because quite frankly, we never will.

May we remember that the simple and small things we put our love into make such a difference in mothering.

I adore this painting by Brian Kershisnik:

The closeness of a mother and child.

The beauty of showing a child new things. Of teaching. That magic of natural melting of bodies into each other.

Yes, predictability in motherhood is a powerful thing.

Other posts about parent/child attachment:

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6 Comments

  1. Thank you for this post Shawni! We are living this exact thing with our granddaughter right now. At our house, we are her constant and predictable. When she returns to her Mom’s it is chaos. Our granddaughter gets super stressed out when she knows it is time to go back to her Mom. As a Grandma, it breaks my heart!

    Thank you for all the light you are and share 🙂

  2. I love this quote and wonder if it’s research based. I tried to parent using routines and expectations as comfort. Children have so much to learn, routines let them discover and not worry about needs like food, sleep, cleanliness, family time, etc. Since we both worked, my husband and I even kept the same lunch and nap schedule as the babysitter in the toddler years.

    Just recently I was reminded of a quote from President Obama from a few years ago about wearing similar clothes every day, “You need to focus your decision making energy. You need to routinize yourself. You can’t be going through the day distracted by trivia.” I feel like giving children predictable and safe environments allows them to spend their energy on learning and growing (definitely not trivial!) and that some adults like Obama apply what parents/adults have them to adulthood.

    Thanks for sharing….really found meaning in that quote.

  3. Hi Shawni! I just love that quote and it really seems to fit a developing theory that I am thinking about. I don’t know if this quote would apply to youth and young adults but I’m seeing something that I am want to blame on Covid with young adults. Where they were on a trajectory in life and then after Covid it seems that trajectory changed, contrary to the course they had been on all of their lives up to that point, and I have been wondering if there were some “brain circuits” that were rewired at that time of “unpredictability”, where our youth and young adults did not feel safe, and perhaps your quote could apply in this situation where their stress system was activated excessively, affecting their development. As adults maybe we could make more sense of that time but didn’t realize what an impact it was having on our youth and young adults. Hmm. I’ve just been wondering about this. Thank you for being so insightful. I always love reading what you share.

  4. I had this today. My kiddo got a large speeding fine. Their first, and hopefully last . Of course I was furious and worried in my mind. when he called to text me. But I also wanted him to feel safe that he could tell me. I told him to come straight home after school and we would talk. We gave him natural consequences, he has to pay the fine. He’s grounded for using our vehicle and he might not be able now to afford his own vehicle insurance ( he was planning to buy his own car this spring) we told him We all make mistakes but also that his life and others were in his control and he made a very poor decision. He’s a non emotion kid, but he’s so disappointed in himself and what the actions brought, but he thanked us for been there.

  5. Absolutely love this – big reason I followed your blog years and years ago in my early twenties, when I was single and childless, was because I loved all of the routines and traditions you had with your children and I knew I wanted to learn from you. Now I have two littles of my own and I value routines and predictability more than ever. I’m also an elementary teacher and I see the value every day in a secure environment where kids know what to expect! Have you ever read any of Gordon Nuefeld or Gabor Mate’s books?

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