Q & A — parenting stuff (part 3)

Quick question, I LOVE the idea of sneaking your kids out of school for a date {I’ve written about this a few times but initially it was from this post clear back in 2008…it’s #3 on that list}… can you tell me do you just take them out for a morning or afternoon, or a long lunch, or how do you work it? LOVE the idea.

This has become one of my favorite things I get to do with my kids. Mostly because it seems to be rare when I get to have them one-on-one all to myself to talk about anything they want. For that moment in time I am “theirs.” Let’s note that when I say “all to myself” I mean, to-myself-along-with-whatever-preschooler-is-around-in-that-particular-stage-of-life:) But this year it’s a little different because Lucy has afternoon preschool which means I really do get them all to myself.

Our lunch dates are random. Sometimes they happen every month, one date with each child. So I have up to four different lunch dates in a month. (Lu doesn’t really get lunch dates yet). Some months stretch out without us getting to our “dates.” But the kids are good at reminding me when it’s been a while. I like to think that’s because they love to be with their mother more than life itself, but really I’m sure they mostly love it because we always get dessert. I know, sugar is bad and all that jazz, but these dates are pretty special.

Elementary school is easy-peasy. I just pick them up at their lunch hour and we go to lunch and run and errand together. They don’t generally get back for school right when the bell rings after lunch but we try, depending on the day and what we have planned.
This was Claire and my lunch date last week. We finally got her scriptures she was supposed to get for her baptism and to say she was excited about them would be a serious understatement. She has cradled them carefully examining them over and over again ever since.

Jr. High is more tricky. Max missed out on lunch dates a lot when he was in Jr. High but we have it down to a science now that he’s in high school. Elle doesn’t get to go much because of her schedule, but she gets out of school way earlier than the other kids cause she does “home study P.E.” with all the tennis hours she puts in. So we soak up that time as well as we can when it’s just her and me.

I have a parenting question for you. I know you have mentioned that Lucy throws some awesome tantrums. I’m wondering how you handle them? (Or, how you handled them with your previous children as well!) My 2 and 4 year old can both throw some disturbing tantrums and it’s hard to know whether to ignore it or try to help them through it. Thanks!

I answered pretty much this same question in more detail back here. But I forgot to write my favorite tactic there, which I have found to be the best, most effective one: DISTRACTION (which I talked about back here in the second question). Giving them some (probably seemingly undeserved in mid-tantrum) extra “love and attention” that the Mother of the Year told me about back here helps SO much as well.

In the “gatherer” post {back here with a follow-up post here}, you say that you USED to want to be the house where all the kids and their friends gather, but you’ve changed your outlook on this. I was just wondering what made you change my mind. Thanks 🙂

I guess I’ve come full circle on this one because in December we bought a house to transform into a place conducive to “gathering.” As our family grows we hope to be able to provide a safe place for our kids and their friends to gather. The reason I said back in that post that maybe I wouldn’t embrace that so much is because I realized it’s tough to always be “on” and life has been so crazy this last year even my very social self has not wanted to entertain when I finally get a minute to be home with my family. I just have generally wanted to hug them close under my wings and squeeze them with love.

Plus, seriously, who can keep a pantry stocked with food when there are hoards of teenagers constantly traipsing through the house and who can keep up with the mess they leave behind?

BUT, recently Dave and I have taken into consideration how much we adore the friends our kids have chosen. We want them to be influences on our kids for good. We also want to provide a good influence for them by having a home filled with love and care where they can spend time. We want anyone to feel welcome in our home (even if all we have to offer them is gluten-free snacks). I want to overhear their conversations and I want them to have extra adults who care about them. My kids’ friends have started being better sources of information for me than my own kids are so I need to keep them close 🙂

I feel like we are morphing into a stage of life where even if we are tired we need to buck up and brace ourselves for the gathering. Because Grace is going to be a teenager before we know it…and heaven help us with the gathering she’s gonna do! I want them all to have the option of gathering if that’s what they want to do.

I have heard you say that you love your kids middle school. Recently, I have been hearing horror stories about my own kids middle school – foul language, prevalent drugs and really inappropriate behavior in the stairwells and on the bus. So my question is this – does your middle school have the same challenges but your kids have found a good crowd and thrive in the midst of such things? Or have you found a school that has a more wholesome atmosphere? We have charter schools here which would have less “bad influence” type problems but also a lot less diversity and sports opportunities etc. Please advise 🙂

Oh this is such a great question and I’d love to hear what others have to say about this as well. I must start by saying that definitely, I’m sure there are some schools with more wholesome atmospheres than others. The atmosphere in a school can be influenced by so many factors, and sometimes all the elements just line up in the right way to get a school with minimal problems. But on the other hand, I don’t think there is a middle school out there that doesn’t deal with at least some sort of challenging issues. Drugs could be more prevalent in one, where respect (of property and others) could be the biggest factor in another, etc. I think issues come regardless of diversity or culture or economic levels.

Some kids have the personality that may be easily caught up in the “bad influences” surrounding them and other kids may be completely oblivious to it all.

I think I was personally the oblivious kind of kid. I know now that there were all kinds of not-so-wholesome things going on at school, but at the time I had no idea. I was in my own world of trying to figure out which humongous rugby shirt I should wear or which cute boy was in my class. I was surrounded by other naive kids and school was a dreamboat for me.

I kinda think my kids are in the same naive phase right now and I pray and hold out hope that it will stay that way. I just asked Elle today what kind of influences there are at school and she opened her eyes wide as she explained the crazy stuff she sees, but she’s kind of in her own little bubble with friends who so far are making great decisions and she doesn’t’ let it affect her.

So in answer to this question, I think our kids have found a good crowd and thrive in the midst of the stuff that goes on there. I think it’s good for kids to be exposed to things because that’s how life goes, but oh how I hope to have the opportunity as a parent to be proactive and to discuss those things with them and help guide them to make the kinds of decisions that will make them truly happy in life.

One thing that I think helped me so much growing up, (and will hopefully help our kids when we have our trip where I’m planning to focus on it this summer), is what my parents call “Decisions in Advance.” And that’s going to have to be something I must explain another day because right now I must run.

Happy weekend!