Oh boy, August is a month I wish I had written down more in the moment. It was a month where, near the end, I felt like my brain and my heart were being pushed to the very outer limits. I know this sounds dramatic, but it felt as if I could burst if I tried to fit in one more thought or logistic or worry…a small thread holding me together and fraying dangerously. So many big things going on with my adult kids, big decisions being weighed for jobs, dating, moves. So teary thinking about Lucy doing this very impossible thing (another new college year), missing Elle and Carson fiercely since we’ve been in Utah so much without them, Max and Abby working to balance out life with so much going on. The helplessness that comes with parenting adult children is sometimes just so real.
But I have learned more and more the power and beauty of prayer and watching them come out of hard things stronger and better and more resilient. I have been working to connect myself with God for guidance. And I have recognized Him in people and things all surrounding me. I am also still loving my 9:00pm alarm every evening that reminds me to connect to those adult children of mine through God. If you’re in this stage with me, you may recognize what I mean.
This is an incredible journey if we step back to notice long enough between the hand-wringing worry.
Anyway, there have been so many good things this month and I want to hold onto it all. For today I’m just going to touch on all the moves since there were SIX of them, (four of our kids moved, and Claire and Lucy had to move twice). All the rest is too overwhelming to record right now.
My Perspective as a Mother
I found it interesting that with each of these moves I felt so much more nostalgic that my children did. Perhaps it takes looking at all this from my vantage point to recognize the beauty of it all? My kids were all ready to move on to the next thing, the new spaces filled with new hopes and dreams. The new stages. And all that is grand. But I found that my mother-heart was tethered so tight to these spaces that have held my children.
The shadows of all they have learned already fading into the recesses of their hearts, building steps that will help them in the next parts of their journeys. How grateful I am for all the learning and growth that went on in these places now made so sacred as they leave them behind. The place where Ada took her first steps and where Abby fell in love with the mountain behind their condo on her walks, the spot where Lucy was cradled in the care of new roommates, gracious and attentive. Her scribbles of notes I found on scraps of paper trying to organize her schedule and her to-dos, written in her tidy handwriting under her magnifier. All the friends and neighbors and relationship building that went on in those two apartments Claire and Grace left behind.
I will be forever grateful for the walls and people and places that hold my children and foster their growth.
Six Moves for Four Kids
We got to spend velvety time with each of those four, helping them haul boxes and suitcases in and out, a puzzle to fit everything into cars and new spaces. Oh most of them didn’t need us, and recruited help in other ways (isn’t asking for help such a gift to make connections?) But I felt so lucky that we got to be there to help in some capacity or another with each of them.
Max & Abby’s Move
Max, Abby, Murph and Ada moved to a new spot. Abby’s family were champions in the helping move category when we couldn’t be there. I got up to Utah late one night so I could help Lucy move the next day (Dave was in San Francisco to cheer Elle on for her Alcatraz swim…I mean, if you’re the one in your family who isn’t moving you may as well swim from Alcatraz. Ha!).
You know it’s true love when your daughter-in-law wakes up her baby to hang for a little bit just for snuggles.
By the time we could help with the actual move I figured the best thing I could do was keep the girls for a little sleepover.
It was pure heaven with some good chaos mixed in. Those little girls are busy but man alive, they are my favorites.
We baked cookies and read books and were anxious as could be to get all the updates from Alcatraz…Murphy’s eyes as big as saucers at the word “shark” and her beloved auntie swimming with them.
Max and Abby were the cutest with their gratitude that I took those girls, little did they know my gratitude ran even deeper.
Grace’s Move
Grace also moved to a new spot and I was so happy that after lots of other moves, I got to be there (along with her boyfriend) to help lug all her stuff around.
We had to start out with a little food at our favorite spot, of course.
Grace moved to a new area closer to her work. Moving from this lucky huge room she’s had for a while…
…to fitting all this stuff in our cars:
To fitting into this small new room:
But she was so ready for a change and of course we had to celebrate.
Claire’s Move without Claire
Claire’s move was pretty tricky since she somehow mixed up the dates and got notification that she had to be all moved out of her apartment the day before she got home from NYC. Yikes. She sent a pleading text to her siblings and that angel sister Grace came to the rescue. After we moved Grace we went over together to grab the remaining odds and ends at Claire’s that she wasn’t able to get the day before:
The next day I met up with Claire’s roommates and friends to help move out and clean out the last of that apartment.
Two weeks later Dave and I, after moving Lucy into her USU dorm with Claire as her cheerleader (more coming about that because it needs its own post), drove back down to Provo to help Claire unload all her stuff in her new spot.
Boy howdy did she ever have a LOT of stuff to organize, but she was up for the task.
Lucy’s Move out of Her Summer School Dorm
Lucy’s BYU dorm move-out was pretty special. Just Lu and one of her roommates was left by the end when Lucy was done. So it was calm, and that sweet roommate was the best person to work alongside, so responsible and meticulous. An angel in Lucy’s life.
We worked through all the laundry and papers and suitcases and cleaning to wrap it all up.
Oh it took so long, but my heart was so full of gratitude for those six weeks she had there: a spot turned sacred.
I don’t know if Lucy can comprehend at this point what a miracle that all was. From the guy showing up in the housing office just at the right time when a room vacancy happened to pop up when we had been told none were available, to the roommates, to the computer fiasco and the learning lessons, I see so much God in that journey.
And even if she can’t see it yet, I think she felt it as we moved the last load of boxes to the car and the huge black clouds started letting down torrential rain: Lucy’s favorite.
We got that last load into the car before it hit, but then she needed to return her key.
So we ran our hearts out through the pouring rain, Lucy whooping and hollering in glee, kicking her legs up in delight, and got back to the car euphoric. And drenched.
God was there too.
Dave who had arrived from meetings by the time we were able to meet up with him for some games to celebrate the move-out, the two of us looking quietly at each other in sorrow as we noticed Lucy’s face closer than ever to those dice, her phone flashlight struggling to illuminate enough for her to see inches away.
And there it was all again: joy and hopelessness and pride and love all mixed into that move-out moment.
And now they are on to new things:
- Claire in the junior core marketing program
- Murphy in Chinese immersion pre-school
- Grace figuring out her future job possibilities
- Lucy with a whole new college year simultaneously beckoning her to the beauty and goodness of that campus but also on the verge of swallowing her whole with what she’s up against
- Abby and Max building toward their dreams
- Ada giving them a run for their money
- Elle and Carson in the process of trying to figure out their next big move when he finishes residency in June.
Life sure is an adventure. And I’m trying to hold on for the ride.
I’m happy you got them all moved and could help them. They are good kids. Sometimes it’s hard to read. Your” hard “ with kids and mine are so vastly different. You’re wringing your hands with worry because your kid graduated college and not sure which job to do. Or another had to move quickly following a very privileged experience in NYC, where as my hard is kid leaving the church, another out drinking and making crappy choices. Life seems very unfair sometimes.
Anon,
This sounds very frustrating. But please remember that much of what we post online is simply a highlight reel. It’s tough to keep a blog of what’s going on with your family while simultaneously respecting your children’s right to privacy, probably even more so now than when they were little.
Shawni has alluded to some tricky or heavy situations but not gone in to detail out of respect for her kids’ privacy and to (rightfully) be a parent her children can come to without their hardest moments being splashed online, but we never know what others are going through!
I’m not LDS so I can’t speak to your exact situation, but in Judaism there’s a term called “OTD” or “off the derech (path)” and parents do the same fasting and praying and worrying that you’re likely doing, wanting your children to make good choices all while finding their way and their place in this world. And I think it is important to remember that what is our path is not necessarily theirs, as difficult and painful as that can be to accept.
Of course it feels unfair to compare your real and raw difficult experiences with your children you no doubt love very much with what has been edited enough to share with people online.
But what you and Shawni do have in common is that you love your children very much and want them to grow up to be good and kind and loving adults. I have no doubt you will succeed in that.
Nicely shared. Thank you.
Shawni’s kids, like all of us, go through hard things. She just might not always talk about them.
I feel you, though. I feel like I’m in a “hard” season right now, too. I have kids who are making choices I wish they weren’t making, and sometimes it’s really hard to look at other families and wonder, “What did I do wrong?” That feeling can feel so heavy on my heart.
If you’re LDS (or even if you’re not), I really loved Sister Runia’s talk about staying by the tree. It has given me a lot to think about during this season.
I’m sorry you’re going through hard things. ❤️
And to Shawni—this was so lovely. I’m so glad you got to be there and navigate all of those moves!
Thank you Heidi. I LOVE Sister Runia’s talk too. She speaks to me in so many ways! Thanks for reminding me of that.
XOXO
You articulated this so well. I also don’t think Lucy’s (who I have great admiration for-her tenacity and talents) challenges can be underestimated.
XOXO
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment. I love what you said about how our path is not necessarily theirs. My favorite adult parenting advice I’ve heard is to “get curious.” I think this helps us understand and learn to love the differences as well as the similarities we find. Thank you for the compassion and tenderness in what you said.
XOXO
Praying for you and your kids. I’m sorry it’s so hard.
We can’t compare our paths with others especially if we truly don’t know what’s going on. We all have different seasons of life thatbthe Lord wants us to go through. Pray to God that he gets your children on the righteous path. We all have kids who have some sort of issue or another, but we can’t really put that on a blog post without their permission. It may be very embarrassing for that kid to know that the world sees they have issues. Parenting adult and teen kids we must keep their privacy.
Dear Anon, thank you so much for sharing your feelings and thoughts. They are real. And valuable. And as mothers, I hope we can mourn with each other and be real through it all. I think others have already responded in perhaps more beautiful ways than I could, thank you everyone! But I just wanted to reach out and send some love to you along with them. This motherhood journey is so tricky, and filled with so much hope and also dashed hopes for our kids. And because all our lives and situations are just so different, we all mourn and worry in such different ways, and have kids making all kinds of decisions, good and bad, as well as things that just happen to kids that they (or we) have no control over. Because of human nature and what we see, it’s just so easy to compare our lives to others. That’s sometimes the trouble with social media. This is a tricky spot because I believe in vulnerability and never want to come across that everything is perfect in our neck of the woods. I want you and other moms to know that just because I share the highlights here, like Re Anon said, there are so many things to worry about that I can’t really share here, and maybe sometimes I share too much, especially about my deep worries for Lucy.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and vulnerabilities too. I love that Re Anon shared one thing we do all have in common, despite all the varying degrees of hardships and joys and sorrows: we all love our children and want the very best for them. Sending so much love to you and all the other mamas grappling with the heartbreaks that come our way. May we all be guided as to what to let go of and what to hang on to. And may God inspire us as we continue to remake and rework our mother love over and over again.
XOXO
Remember, every journey is different. Things will work out . . . eventually.
Anon, you should be proud that your child is making their own decisions instead of blindly following yours. The Mormon church isn’t right for everyone (/many people…). And plenty of people in the world safely enjoy alcoholic beverages in moderation!
My daughter is a junior at Utah State. She called me today because she knows I am a long time reader of your blog and I have mentioned to her that Lucy goes to USU as well. She said she went in the student center and Lucy was playing the piano in there. She was so impressed and in awe of Lucy’s piano playing and commented how amazing it is that she plays the piano with her vision declining. I just wanted you to know that Lucy is a shining example to all of the people who surround her! She is remarkable!
Oh my goodness, THANK YOU for telling me this!! Makes me so happy. Lucy is always so happy when she can use that piano!
XOXO
Shawni – I am mourning with you for the hard and stressful situations in your life and your children’s lives. And I am rejoicing with you in the successes!
There are some very real challenges in parenting adult children. I don’t think I could have ever imagined some of the things we would face as a family and extended family. I found myself almost every day at some point saying: Life is hard!
I have made it a habit to sometimes say “life is very educational“ instead. Just that little switch has helped me reframe my thoughts and remind me of the purpose. Most of all, I am so grateful for The One Who paid the price of that education. I, like you, have complete faith in Him.
(And sometimes I still say “life is hard“. I think at times it helps to acknowledge that fact.😊)
Thank you for being a light and sharing your faith with us. I so appreciate you sharing thoughts about navigating parenting at this stage of life. It is helpful to open up the conversation and hear your thoughts and others’ thoughts. Many prayers for Lucy as she navigates her extremely difficult circumstances.
Even though I don’t know her, I am so proud of her.💕
Thank you Jen, makes me teary. I appreciate your thoughts so much. And I love that thought that “life is educational,” boy we are sure learning a lot, right? I agree that these kinds of conversations are so powerful for women. Sometimes it’s just easier to put on a happy face and blunder through, but that’s not really real. We are all dealing with things that can be so tricky, and we need each other! Thanks again for this comment.
XOXO