Thank you to the Village: Why Community Matters in Parenting

Leading up to Lucy’s graduation, I was carrying a heavy load of emotions. I knew that having a daughter with special needs graduate from high school would be emotional for me. But I didn’t anticipate that the majority of the heavy emotion would come from gratitude for the literal village of people who helped her get to this point. Oh the importance of community in parenting is so overwhelmingly important!

I know I talk about this a lot. But through raising Lucy I have been humbled over and over again realizing Dave and I cannot do this alone. We can’t be in the hallways of the school willing people to “see” our girl. We lack the expertise of figuring what kinds of technology will help her navigate intricate assignments and projects without her vision to help her through. Lucy, who is dying for independence more than any other teenager I know, has needed someone aside from her parents to lean on at times. So when something as big as high school graduation (and life following that huge step) looms ahead of you, you just can’t get over the goodness of people who are willing to help.

People who step up selflessly to help with things we cannot, as her parents, do on our own.

Still, in the wake of all those festivities last week, I keep tearing up thinking about it.

How the Support of Community Helps in Parenting

Community matters in parenting because our kids have so much more potential in life when they have all kinds of mentors. Mentors beyond their parents. Mentors with different viewpoints and expertise…and patience thresholds. Ha!

For example, Dave and I often talk about how our kids learned to ski.

You see, Dave comes from a heavy-duty ski family. They grew up skiing and honestly I think every one of those nine kids wanted to pass that adoration of skiing on to their kids.

But there was a problem we all noticed one day on those ski slopes, the parents flanked by their trying-to-learn, whining kids.

Tension was high.

Those kids were not listening to their parents. And the parents were flustered. Why couldn’t these kids get it??

I still remember the complete transformation when someone had the grand idea to swap kids that afternoon. Each parent took a couple nieces and nephews rather than their own kids to teach and voila! Within a couple hours those kids were powering down those hills. And those tear-stained faces from the earlier frustration were actually smiling.

The parents were smiling too. The frustration had evaporated.

What caused this dramatic shift?

I believe it was that the “village” stepped up.

A Parenting Support System

Oh man, there were so many people who have stepped in to help raise this girl of mine. From church leaders to teachers to college counselors to friends. Aunts and uncles, grandparents. All of them filling in pieces of the puzzle to help Lucy progress and learn and grow.

Teacher as Community Supporters

I wish I had photos of each of Lucy’s teachers so I could sing praises to their dear faces. They each, in their own ways, took time out to help tutor her. To take extra time to help Lucy succeed when she couldn’t see their assignments and couldn’t maneuver to find quotes or annotate as mainstream students do.

From the one who doubled as the girls basketball coach when Lucy was a freshman and helped her become the team manager when she was dying to do a sport. To the one who saw Lucy’s determination to learn anatomy and went to work helping her find ways to succeed even when she couldn’t see the diagrams. I especially wish I had a photo of Lucy’s vision teacher who has worked with her for the last few years. Can she ever know what a difference she has made advocating for Lucy and helping her advocate for herself?

Lately we had a huge fiasco with figuring out a post-high school computer for Lucy. Her school computer was her lifeline and she had to turn it in at the end of school.

We got a new one for her that was too big, and there is a LONG and emotional story surrounding how we had to negotiate and counsel to switch it to one that would work better for her.

I’ll spare you the details and just say that it took a miracle to get things switched over. Conference calls, digging deep into Lucy’s “on the spectrum” quirks, trying to figure out her capacity vs. her inability to be flexible. And everyone involved stepped up to figure this thing out.

But so many good people worked together to make the computer Lucy needs a reality.

And we cannot ever thank them enough.

Family & Friends as Part of Lucy’s Village

Then there are the friends and family who sent such sweet cards and packages for graduation.

My eyes welled up when Lucy opened this gift:

Her own cookie cookbook, from one cookie-lover to another, with large print directions and recipes.

Man, do people even realize how much of difference they can make putting in the work to become part of that kid’s village?

Nana and Papa are always there to support, and to take kids out to lunch and just love on them.

My mom came and joined us for the graduation. And she did a little “mothering” to ME as part of my own village when things got really tricky late on graduation night.

And the friends.

Oh man, how grateful I am for all the kids who “saw” Lucy when she needed it, despite being teenagers themselves. Sometimes that’s tricky business and takes so much maturity. So it’s so beautiful when it happens. I love that these girls have been Lucy’s heroes since elementary school:

Comparing this village to the “ski instructing” village

As we’ve maneuvered through high school I actually think often of being on that ski hill with all those kids all those years ago. I think about how amazing it was that other aunts and uncles were able to step up for kids who weren’t their own, and teach them something awesome.

I think it’s so similar to all these people who step up to help teenagers who aren’t their own. There is something just different when it’s not your own parent telling you to do this or that. There is such power in positive peer pressure. So much power in feeling love and encouragement from people who aren’t related to you. People who you look up to and who live life in such a way you want to emulate their love and actions.

I just think that is such a beautiful thing. And this village of people who are in Lucy’s corner have quite literally changed her life. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true.

Thanking the People Who Help Raise our Children

Needless to say after that introduction, Lu and I spent a LOT of time the last couple weeks of school trying to figure out how to thank people enough. We spent literal HOURS sitting at this counter writing thank you notes and figuring out gift cards, etc.

Lucy writes the most amazing and heart-felt notes. I wish I could share photos, but they were enough to make me cry. Yes, again.

These are such small symbols for such all-encompassing and huge gratitude.

Thank You to the Village

Yes, community matters in parenting! Lucy would not be where she is without the myriads of mentors who have come to her rescue time and time again.

And I couldn’t get to the actual graduation photo post wrap-up before I wrote about the village that got her to that night. My daughter sitting with that sea of kids under those stadium lights with their robes and graduation caps. So full of excitement and hope for the future.

I think about the unique villages that helped each of them get to that point in life and realize once again, there is so much good in the world.