What Gives Kids Confidence?

I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence lately. Is it something kids are born with? Is it something kids can develop? Can it be stripped away through life experiences? Can parenting affect our kids’ confidence even more than we think? Two things made me think about this more deeply in the last week or so.

The Noah Kahan Documentary

The first was a documentary about Noah Kahan.

You see, our friends were nice enough to invite us to that concert here in the desert. I’ll be honest, we didn’t know a bunch about Noah before the concert, but we crammed listening to his songs to prepare (fell in love, especially with the “clean” versions!), and watched his documentary Noah Kahan Out of Body (at 2x speed, ha!) en route to the concert. Although that could have used a “clean version” too, I was fascinated.

That guy has a pretty awesome story. And I love that he takes himself so lightly and is so vulnerable despite his incredible rise to fame. He has what most people would consider all the fixings to “make it” in the world. But what really got me is that despite all that: the great story, the catchy music, the fame and talent, he talks pretty openly about his lack of confidence.

Oh there is so much more to the story, so many endearing and interesting and heartbreaking pieces to the puzzle. But what stuck with me was a question. So many people yearn to have what he has, but that’s not what gives confidence.

So what is?

I thought about this through the whole concert, and have asked several friends about it since, and I’ll talk about my theories, but first, this section wouldn’t be complete without a few pictures. Because we came pretty big Noah Kahan fans that night!

Murphy’s First Day of Pre School

The second thing that has got me thinking about confidence is Murphy. That girl exudes confidence. You can see it in how she walks and how she talks.

You can see it in the way she marched right into her first day of preschool.

My question is, though, how can she keep that confidence forever? How can we all nurture it and help it grow rather than the world stripping it away little by little? Confidence is what will help her stand up for herself. Stand up for others. Make her way in the world. It will help her learn to broaden and also to contribute.

There is so much beauty in confidence.

My Theories on How to Foster Confidence

After thinking about Noah, watching Murphy, and talking with friends, here’s what I keep coming back to. These are the things I actually think build real confidence — the kind that fame and talent can’t manufacture:

Give Kids Jobs

Kids really need to learn to work. And how to do a job well. When kids learn actually follow through with assignments and household chores, and to finish them well (especially harder things), it does something incredible to their confidence. I have written up some age-appropriate jobs for kids, and also written about a study on how household chores are the biggest indicator of success.

Foster Strong Relationships

There is nothing that gives more confidence than knowing you have a village of support. Knowing that you matter. Finding people that can help us find our blind spots and also build us up creates confidence. Whether it’s a life coach for older kids, setting up play dates for smaller ones, taking time to have parent/child “interviews” or even reminding our kids that their siblings have the power to be their best friends forever, fostering relationships in any way we can is powerful. And I don’t think there’s much that will help confidence more than having someone you can trust to rely on.

Let Kids Fail

Kids learn so much more from their own failures than they do with us corralling them along through all the tough stuff. I’ve thought about this SO much after finding a little phrase in a book: “Our job as parents is to make our kids’ lives better, not easier.” We need to climb into the bleachers and let them learn from their own mistakes as they learn to figure things out. There is a television series Dave and I watched recently with a very spoiled daughter. Her mother tells her she’s not going to pay for her apartment any more, to which the daughter responds “what did I do to make you hate me so much??” The mother wisely tells her that this is actually the most loving thing she can do. This will help her grow. Again, so much more to that story, but so interesting to think about how some of the things we do as parents to “help” our kids is actually hindering them. And also squelching their confidence.

Let Kids Make Decisions

We need to stand back enough to let our kids lead. Change that locus of control! Giving kids age-appropriate choices builds confidence because they learn to trust their own judgment rather than relying on other people. Sure, some of those decision will be dumb ones. But when they learn from those kinds of things when they’re in our own homes they can become so much more equipped (and smart) in the decisions that come later.

Catch Them Doing Things Right

Giving kids specific praise (“I noticed how you handled that”) builds confidence more than generic praise (“you’re so smart”). That’s why I LOVE the fingertip talent idea my Dad started all those years ago. Helps the parent learn to notice specific things their child does well, and helps the child realize they are actually doing them.

Help Kids Find Their Thing

I still remember Max as a shy kid starting out high school, his mind trying to keep up with his rapidly lengthening body. Dave had talked to a friend who told him about volleyball, and a lightbulb turned on. He spent some one-on-one time with Max, and did some research into how to get involved. Of course, Max was the one who ultimately had to decide that’s what he wanted to do, but a parent can do a great job “seeing.” It doesn’t have to be a sport or anything grand. But I think when kids find things they love and have an opportunity to work on them, they gain confidence. It could be something as small as entering some art in a local contest or taking a swim class or just noticing something as beautiful as the fact that your child is good at noticing others. We as parents have such a beautiful task of noticing and encouraging the beauty and goodness and talents unique to each of our children. And cheer them on in those areas.

Kids who have one area where they genuinely excel carry that confidence into everything else.

Help Kids Connect to Something Bigger Than Themselves

One of the biggest things that I believe fosters confidence is knowing that you are a child of God. I know that may sound trite, but helping kids tether themselves to God is incredibly powerful in fostering confidence. When kids know there is a higher source, especially one who will give them endless second chances, and never-ending love, they can grow in ways they never could otherwise. Family Home Evening as well as Family Testimony Meetings are some great ways to help foster this kind of confidence.

I don’t know if Murphy will always have that easy confidence she has right now. I hope so (more on her first day of preschool soon!). But I do know that the things on this list are things I can actually do something about. And that feels good.

If you’re thinking about this too, I’ve written about a couple of specific ways to build confidence over on the blog — one simple fingertip trick that works for kids of any age, and some thoughts specifically on building confidence in teens.

Happy confidence building!