Often I wonder, along with one of my children in particular, why we don’t talk more often about the “messy middles” of life. We tend to gloss over them and move quickly to the resolution.
The aftermath.
The part where we’ve tied up those troubles with a glossy bow and moved on.
Is it just human nature to work to move past the trenches into something brighter? Perhaps we want to save our friends and family from the messy, the shameful, the weak. The parts of us or of our experiences that might be too uncomfortable to divulge. The parts we want to hide.
And sometimes, the darkness doesn’t end. There’s no “wrapping up.” We are in that messy middle for a long, long time. Perhaps for a lifetime.
I do that glossing over things here on the blog. I often share the glory of the aftermath. The miracles and the rainbows. Because oh! They can be so beautiful especially at the end of a long, dark tunnel. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. There is so much goodness in life, and often when we look for it and name it, our lives become more joyful.
But I think there is power in the messy middles we all find ourselves in. The darkness is sometimes the most powerful catalyst to reach out to someone who can save. To be more vulnerable. To learn to lean more on others, and ultimately, on God. And those messy middles have the power to enhance us and make us stronger.
I learned this more powerfully than I have before this last weekend.
Because of General Conference, and a question from my child who is stuck in the “messy middle” at the moment.
General Conference
I was deeply looking forward to General Conference this year. I have some things that are weighing on my heart. Needing direction. Wanting to feel still enough to let the spirit of God seep into my soul and help me feel clarity and guidance.
And then it turned out that conference weekend itself was a bit chaotic. Dave and I were in St. George cheering on Claire and my sisters who were running the half and full marathon. Which made me emotional in and of itself. Gosh, it is so incredible to witness human beings doing something so challenging. I’ll hopefully be posting about that soon.
But for this evening, I want to talk about a pretty tender thing that happened.
Yes, it was a chaotic weekend. We were in and out and with different family and enjoying all the incredible beauty St. George has to offer.
But things quieted down when Dave and I got in the car and started our drive. We were able to really listen to the words of the conference sessions as we drove.
It makes Conference extra special when you have a particular question for God on your heart.
And aside from my own personal questions, Dave and I had a joint question we were pondering from this particular child who had texted me that morning. And who is in the “messy middle” right now. A real question, with real backing, and real earnestness:
The Question
(paraphrased)
“Why don’t they teach about why we have trials and how we get through them instead of just telling about miracles. How can it really show faith if you only believe because you’re looking for a miracle?”
This girl has asked this question in many ways over the years, but it hit both Dave and I that morning on our drive. We were teary thinking it through as we listened along. The words of our church leaders washing over us.
The Answer
And then, the closing speaker of the Sunday morning session was Elder Eyring.
It was as if he received this very text from our child, and was earnestly answering her question.
Personally.
And I want to share it, because maybe it could be an answer to the questions and struggles of others out there as well. Life is not easy. There are so many roadblocks. There are so many seen and unseen personal struggles in the “messy middles” that we are wading through. How do we cope with them now? When we can’t imagine their ending?
Elder Eyring has a pretty beautiful answer.
Elder Eyring’s Talk
The parts I loved the most?
I love that he talked about a time in his life when he was in his own messy middle. He talked about how the more overwhelmed he got, the more discouraged he was. He wanted to quit. As he prayed, he felt the quiet assurance from the Lord saying:
“I’m proving you, but I’m also with you.”
Here are Elder Eyring’s words:
“By pondering and working in the years that followed I came to understand this lesson of encouragement in the scriptures:
“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
–Philippians 4:11–13
“I learned my struggle was a gift. He was teaching me that with His help, I could do things that seemed impossible if I had the faith that He would be there to help me.”
What does it mean to “prove”?
“To ‘prove’ something is not simply to test it, it is to increase it’s strength. To prove a piece of steel is to place it under strain…until it’s true nature is enhanced and revealed. The steel is not weakened by the proving, in fact, it becomes something that can be trusted to bear greater burdens.”
“The Lord proves us in much the same way…to strengthen us. That strength doesn’t come in moments of ease...
“The Lord teaches us that we should continue to grow, and never stop trying…when we have faith even when things seem impossible, we become stronger.”
I know all this could sound too simple. But I do believe that when we put trust in God, we have more power to get through the tough stuff. This doesn’t mean that trusting=an easier way. Sometimes I think we get that mixed up. I think it means that when we put our trust in God, what we are going through won’t break us.
Examples of those who have been in the messy middle
Elder Eyring talked about many examples of prophets. They were not spared the hardships despite being chosen of God. But they trusted, and the messy middles strengthened them. The greatest example is Jesus Christ who asked if the “cup” could be taken from Him. “nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”
The ultimate trust.
Our “proving” and strengthening will be unique for each of us.
“It may come quietly through the trials of family life, or illness, or grief, or loneliness.”
“I bear witness that these moments are not evidence that the Lord has abandoned you. Rather they are evidence that he loves you enough to refine and strenghen you. He is making you strong enough to carry the weight of eternal life. If we keep choosing faith, the Lord will refine us. He will strengthen us. And one day we will look back and see that those very trials are evidence of His love. We will see that He was shaping us to be able to stand with Him in glory.“
“God knows YOU. He knows the trials you face. He is with you. He will not forsake you. He will make us equal to every trial we are called to bear.”
As Dave and I listened, both of us literally weeping in the car as we rolled along toward home, we felt so wrapped up in love from Above. We felt it for our child who is struggling. Felt it for us.
God has not forgotten any of us.
Especially when we are in our messy middles.
That is where our growth comes.
May we keep reaching to Him as our own true natures are enhanced and revealed through the messy middles that come our way.
General Conference Sessions If You’d Like to Listen
- Saturday morning session
- Saturday afternoon session
- Saturday evening session
- Sunday morning session (this is the one where President Eyring spoke)
- Sunday afternoon session
I appreciate you being vulnerable (& your daughter), for sharing these thoughts and feelings.
My life’s journey, has included many “messy middles”, throwing me into some of it at a young age when my mom left my dad and the church when I was 13. A year later, I lost my older brother to suicide and then my younger brother took his life fourteen years after that. Over the years (and even this past weekend) I have had conversations with my husband, talking about this very thing, through tears and pleading about our harships and painful experiences, about “the messy middle”. How we say to someone, “It will all work out”…but we don’t always talk about all of what happened or needed to happen in the middle to be able say we reached the “end”.
Through my own fight to “stay”, I have wrestled with the Lord a LOT about the why’s and how’s in life especially when it can look so different for each of us. Trying to understand His ways and have faith in His plan and not feel abandoned. I have struggled with the desire to share what I’ve gone through because I sense that a lot don’t want to hear about the “messy” stuff. Or they don’t know how to respond to it when shared. I have learned so much, but my weaknesses prove over and over again, that I have soooo much more to learn, and so much more to be “proved”.
Thank you for this post. President Eyring’s talk was so timely. I am glad that you saw answers in it, too, and I hope it helped your daughter.
Aw Sherri I love this and love you for being vulnerable with your own messy middles. I am so very sorry for the losses you have suffered and that you’re still in the middle in many ways. You’re right, it is so difficult to both have faith that “all things will work together for our good” AND not feel the devastation of feeling abandoned. And I think you’re also right that sometimes those “messy middles” make people feel uncomfortable. Not knowing how to help or what to say. It’s difficult to find the balance of sharing our own vulnerabilities so others can feel safe to share theirs as well. But also holding them close to our hearts. I guess each of us has our own unique way to deal with the messy middles, and we have to figure out what works for each of us. Sending so much love on over.
I have also been in a messy middle. Finding my faith feeling too weak to trust Him. It is hard and nasty. So many doubts. So many questions to what the church teaches. I happened upon a talk that I feel your child may enjoy as I have found it really helpful. October 1995, by Richard G Scott, Trust in the Lord. Although 30 years ago, he spoke to me currently. So grateful. I also felt Elder Eyring was talking just to me. I’m not on the other side yet, but it has given me a moment to come up for air.
I’m so glad you had a moment to come up for air, and I’m so grateful for the suggestion of the “Trust in the Lord” talk. I will definitely take a listen, and share it with my fellow-struggler-child. I’m so grateful for words of wisdom that hit us right when we need it. And grateful when we have eyes wide open enough to notice them and how they can lift our hearts. I’m sending you so much love as you deal with your own doubts and trust, sending prayers that you will somehow find peace, and feel cradled in God’s love.
XOXO
Thank you so much for this post. I keep reading your blog because I love when you share about your faith. It encourages my own. Best to you and your family.
Thank you, Ann. Sending my best right back to you.
xoxo
This all resonates with me… comfort experienced through some of the deepest sorrow, seeing miracles after trials, and also messy middles that seem to never end. I love how Pres. Eyring’s message felt so penalized for you and your child. I just love General Conference and the love, inspiration, and motivation it gives me.
Speaking of messy middles, I really love this talk given decades ago by Francine Bennion about suffering. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/church-historians-press/at-the-pulpit/part-4/chapter-43?lang=eng
*personal, not penalized 🤪
Oh I’m thankful for this talk recommendation as well. I have some good listening to do. I really appreciate you sharing. And so grateful you could feel comfort in your deepest sorrows, and name those miracles that have come after trials. I think it takes so much practice and trust. I am sending you love and blessings, and I’m excited to listen to this talk.
xoxo
Speaking of hardships: a while ago you sgared that some people you know were suffering from depression, cancer, infant loss, divorce. How are they doing today?
I think many of them are still in their own messy middles. But some are finding hope to hang on to as well. So many difficult things going on in the world and each of us deals with the darkness in such different ways. I’m so grateful for the willingness of people to be vulnerable so we all know we’re not alone.
xoxo
Hi Shawni! Love these thoughts and your blog. Felt the need to share. One of biggest spiritual moments of my playwriting courses in college was when my professor mentioned the “messy middles” of our lives (she called it the “marathon in the middle”). One thing I loved that she mentioned was that these “middle moments” are the least talked about parts in theatre, television, etc. but are often the most exciting for the audience. We had a writing exercise where we wrote about the “messy middles” and how these specific moments have helped us grow personally. The exercise has really helped me realize how special these moments can be, even though they often feel redundant/challenging at times. The more I have put myself in the mindset that these “middle moments” are really the most influential, the happier I’ve been especially in a time in my life that can often feel like one big “middle” moment.
Cole! I love this so very much! Thank you so much for sharing. So true that the messy middles can indeed be “special” because of how they help us grow and connect in such unique ways. What an enlightened exercise to have an assignment to spill out the messy middles in writing, and dissect the ways in which they have challenged our thinking and helped us “become.” I may have to try that. Love you, Cole!!
xoxo
https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/prayer-of-theilhard-de-chardin/amp/
I found this a couple of years ago and read it whenever I am feeling in the messy middle of life.
Patient Trust
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability – and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually-let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time (that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will) will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ excerpted from Hearts on Fire
Yes , definitely in some messy middles too here, and young adult children are messy middles in that too. I would take toddlers and teens any day over the young adults.. it’s stressful lol