Ten Ways to Manage Pre-Teens
To be honest, I actually thought I was doing pretty well at that task with my four older kids.
Or maybe I just forgot. You know how you forget stuff like how tough it is to be pregnant until you are eight months in and you can’t sleep and you’re just so dang anxious to meet that baby you can hardly stand it?
Anyway, I’m in the thick of this pre-adolescence thing right about now. Some parts I get right, sometimes purely by accident. It reminds me of those miraculous nights when my babies were tiny and they actually slept through the night. I would wake up completely refreshed feeling like I won the lottery.
I remember so very well trying to determine why they had slept so well. The next night I would painstakingly work to remember the exact process of the night before…use the same blanket, swaddle just so, I’d feed that baby just how I would remember I did the night before, and tiptoe out just sure all my hard work would give me another night with good sleep. Only to wake from my slumber an hour later, back to the starting line.
Well, that’s kind of how this pre-adolescent time is going with this girl of mine:
Ten Tips for Mothering Pre-Teens
1) When kids are upset, have them drink a glass of water.
This allows time to slow down and internalize feelings for you and for your child. Maybe I need to drink more water…
2) Instead of asking yes or no questions, ask questions that require a “real” answer.
3) Give kids their dignity.
4) Let them be involved in making up the “rules.”
5) Help them transform feelings of frustration rather than transmit them.
6) Use the formula LML (“Let Me Listen”)
This means you really just listen…and offer minimal input.
7) In order to really connect, we need this formula: V+V=C (“Vulnerability + Validation = Connection).
8) Don’t try to pull teenagers out of the “holes” they sometimes find themselves in.
9) Show teenagers that you see them.
11 comments
Man, I needed to read this today. My oldest is ten and we are in the thick of preteen emotions. I love these tips. One thing that has helped me is empowering him as much as possible, he feels better and has more self esteem when he feels needed! And for me, I am focusing on connecting with him more, so our "well" is full and we can weather the storms.
Yes I love that thought. They need to feel empowered to do something with those emotions. Dealing with the bad ones and shining with the good.
Good stuff, as always! My oldest is 11 (almost 12). He just got awarded the outstanding student award for our school last night and as we were sitting there at that banquet with him I just got overwhelmed with what a good kid he is. I started wondering how often I tell him I appreciate him. He is such a good kid. We get so caught up with what they should be doing or what they are not doing that we forget to focus on what they are doing and letting them know. I also, need to slow down my whirlwind of life and try some of these gems you just posted!
PS is it possible for my 8 yr old daughter to be in her preteens? Sometimes I wonder, I hear girls are earlier than boys….ha!
I think it is! I think one of my kids became an official "pre-teen" when she was two! Ha! And sometimes I think my one boy was moodier than some of my girls. I love your thought about remembering to tell them all the things we appreciate and love about them. Love doing this to tell them more personally: https://www.71toes.com/2010/04/talents.html
Fabulous insights, thank you!
I have a toddler and yet I have one suggestion, because it applies to both: Remind yourself that their brain isn't fully developed yet and that the tantrums and emotional upheavals are supposed to happen. It's through tantrums and emotional upheavals that the brain develops. That reminder gives me patience. Not always, but more often than not.
Absolutely so true. Sometimes we expect them to know and act adult when that just isn't real.
Needed this so much! Since my oldest turned ten I swear a switch was flipped and ALL. The. DRAMA. Which I was not prepared for because she is my least dramatic child. But we are getting there. Thanks for the tips!
Thank you for the tips 🙂
My oldest is 11 and feels everything deeply and we’ve been navigating the preteen emotions for a couple of years. One of the best things for him has been hearing me tell him that I felt the same feelings he’s feeling and it’s okay. I think kids feel isolated as they have new feelings that they don’t quite understand and hearing that they are understood is a relief and a force for bonding. It also helps for me to relate to his mistakes rather than just offering advice, so he sees that we parents mess up too and it’s not the end of the world; he’s going to turn out just fine. I think it’s calming for kids and relieves anxiety when they feel understood and accepted just as they are.
Such a valuable tool to really make kids feel understood. And to realize we all make mistakes every day. Thanks for the input.